discerning intellects who appreciate sophisticated witticism The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual neologism contest in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Alternative definition: (n), A female impersonator

7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
Alternative definition: (v), the speed a lion eats the handler.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
Alternative definition: (n) Liquid from first pressing of Garfield.

9. Flatulence (n), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n), a humorous question in an exam.

12. Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Alternative definition: (n), person telling convoluted stories with no logical conclusion or purpose.

16. Circumvent (n), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Alternative definition: (n), male urithera.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. The winners are:

1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Alternative definition: (n), designated waiting area for idiots.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Alternate definition:(n), the B*lS**t stories told on internet dating sites.

3. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Alternative definition:(n), bank ATM fees for cash withdrawal.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole