This should explain everything!

BELL LAB PROVES EXISTENCE OF DARK SUCKERS!

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However,
recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs
don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark
suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a spokesman from the Labs,
proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of
light, and that dark is faster than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take
for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark
right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker,
the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have
a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.

As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of
dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full
dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the
first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been
sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating
candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark
flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have
a very limited range.

There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all
of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When
the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced
before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass
generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker.
Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid
wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus
it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.

Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice
it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty
feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to
the bottom of the lake and the ligher light floats to the top.

The immense power of dark can be utilized to a man's advantage. We can
collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it
through turbines, which generates electricity and helps push it to the
ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more
difficult to get dark from rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians
recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe
traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly,
so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the
flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its
way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you stand in an
illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the
door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark
is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much
easier. So the next time you look at an electric light bulb, remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker.

That, fellow Ugly Hedgehogs, should settle this matter.

~Lee