Bill Munny Loc: Aurora, Colorado

It is time to be a parent and not a life boat. Today's kids need to know the consequences of failure. You seem to have babied him all his life so why should he be vocally grateful? Wow, 31 and non-functional. His credit card debt is a screaming indication of his lack of discipline. Let him grow up.

whitewolfowner

Hate to say it but it's all in how they are brought up. Many parents give their children everything because they want them to have a good childhood, one better than they had. But if all the child receives is the gravy train with everything handed to them, don't blame them when they want and expect it to continue and you think they should be standing on their own feet. The parent started it and created the behavior, not the child. Time for tough love!

John N Loc: HP14 3QF Stokenchurch, UK

It's a whole different attitude to debt. Here, kids have been encouraged to become debt laden with student loans and cheap money availability etc. Me, every extra penny I earned went on paying the mortgage of as fast as I could. Don't go the same way as us unless you want the next generation to be hock to the banks their entire lives!

tracs101 Loc: Huntington NY

Every now and then people ask me if I am married. My standard reply is “nope,still happy!”.

Cykdelic Loc: Now outside of Chiraq & Santa Fe, NM

Steve,

A story heard many times!

I have a simple rule: if someone wants or needs something (cash, etc), I wait for them to ask me for it. That way, I know I'm not demeaning them and assuming they need something, AND the act of asking is almost always the first step towards their appreciating the act of kindness.

KoniOmegaflex Loc: Central KY

My wife and I are retired and have no kids. We have some honorary grandkids who are no problem. We do have some adult kids in our family who have never grown up and sometimes ask for monetary help. If we think there is a real need for a good thing, we sometimes give them some small amount of money. We don't lend them money because we have no expectations of being repaid. We give when we can and/or when we choose to and move on. Works for us.

jeep_daddy Loc: Prescott AZ

It sounds like some of you parents are enablers. You just keep giving them what they want so they don't have to earn it. I earned my way back when I got my first paper route. I wanted a recurve hunting bow when I was 13 so I worked every day to pay for it. My father did pay $50 for my first car that we had to tow home 40 miles with a rope, fix the clutch, fix the charging system, and then I could drive it. But my grades dropped, he took the car, sold it and kept the money. I guess the car was a loan and not a gift. Lesson learned. Earn the money myself, buy what I want, and then it won't be taken away.

foathog Loc: Greensboro, NC

I'm glad I don't have kids. But if I did, I wouldn't put up with that crap AND THEY'D ALREADY KNOW IT!!!

Cragzop Loc: NYC

Steve, join the club. I can't speak for you, but I suspect we might have over indulged our children, raising their expectation of life's materialism to an unrealistic level. Of course we want the best for our kids, but sometimes it is best to just say no.

I bought my oldest a new car, with the expectation that she would make 1/2 the monthly payment. Needless to say, she made 1 payment, then found herself in a financial bind and needed some of the money back. After that I made the full monthly payment, luckily it wasn't a financial burden. When the car had about $1600 left on the payoff, I paid it off and made it a gift to her, even though the KBB value was still over $7000.

She thanked me for the car, and I thought that was that, but she traded the fully paid off car on a Mercedes.

I told her she's on her own.

We reap what we sow.

wildimaginations

When I raised my kids, I told them they were not welcomed home after school. At the age of 16, they had to find a job and make their own money. I would help by dropping them off and picking them up after work so they can have their dinner and do their homework before going to bed. My wife thought that I was cruel but after a month of them working, they really wanted to work. They even wanted to work on weekends because every time they hung out with their friends on weekends, they always spent a lot of their hard earned money. One day, my oldest daughter came to me and showed her latest bank statement. After 12 years of working, she had saved over $100k. I was super amazed.

I also told them that I would pay for the 1st diploma on the condition that they got a student loan to finance the whole deal. This way, they would know how to apply for a loan and what gets involved. When they needed a co signer for the loan, I told them that I won't put my name on it so they had to find someone else to sign their name. So they ended up going to their rich uncle. I would repay the loan when they graduated on time and didn't deviate from their major. If they did screw up in any way, the loan was on them, not me. By using the loan process, it builds up their credit rating so that they would have a great head start in life.

In the end, they both went on to graduate school on their dime and graduated. One is a pharmacist and the other is a nurse practitioner. When they graduated, I had saved enough money that I bought them both brand new cars with extended warranties and maintenance packages. I was a really proud dad!!!

pj81156 Loc: St. Petersburg, FL

Our story is 180 degrees opposite. We have four children, ages 50 to 57. None of them have ever asked for money, other than for $100 or so when they were in college. We have cosigned for cars, but they always made the payments. Occasionally we have helped them out when they needed it, but they never asked for it. We just knew. Right now all four, with their spouses, make more money than I ever did. We are very close to all of them and their spouses and our grandchildren and great grandchildren. Always have been. Almost invariably the 18 of us spend Christmas together--with no tension, just love.
I really feel bad for those of you with different experiences.
And, I might add that my wife and I have been married for 60 years and we continue to enjoy a loving and affectionate relationship.
If things have gone south for you and your family, take it upon yourself to right it. Forgive and FORGET.

BBurns Loc: South Bay, California

The problem is that we raise our children to be good human beings and good citizens.
We try to teach them all the things they need to become a productive member of society and to themselves.

I'll be damned if they don't just grow up and become relatives.

farnsworth52 Loc: W. Pa.

My comment to people that let their children take advantage of the love a parent has for a child is simply"You raised them" My children had what all the other kids had,with one exception, they either worked for it or payed for it directly. You want to go to the movies ---cut the grass. You need a new dress for prom wash the windows and we'll talk. I find most children that take advantage of their parents have been doing it all their lives,or they have friends that do it so why can't they.Both my children went to and graduated college,have familys and pay their own bills. Yes I have helped them here and there. My sons 1st car wasn't his until it was paid for. When he wanted to use it he had to get the keys from me or mom.It's surprising how fast it got paid for with me having the keys.My daughter paid for her 1st cell phone by painting the house. Was I tough yes,did they learn anything absolutely. Life can be hard sometimes, we can make it allot easier as parents,but that doesn't mean we have to make it free for them. Responsibility; You can either teach it or pay for the lack of it.

SteveR Loc: Michigan

There have been several of these types of posts, and I can understand the importance of instilling individual responsibility. Sometimes, however, life gets in the way. My son's older two sisters were born profoundly deaf. We were determined that we would not let that stand in the way of them succeeding in life, but it took a lot of time and effort....time, my son has said, that he felt was taken from him. My oldest daughter graduated from the University of Michigan. My younger daughter graduated from Rochester Institute of Technology. Both have Masters degrees. Our efforts paid off. Both are married and we now have four wonderful grandsons. As the kids were growing up we never had an extra nickel from paycheck to paycheck but were able to pay the mortgage and car loans, put food on the table, clothe the kids, and put gifts under the tree at Christmas. There wasn't a lot extra. What we have now is a result of both sets of our parents investing throughout their lives as educators and passing it down to their children upon their passing and what we've been able to save just recently. I'm not sure what happened to my son, but along the way he had problems and was a borderline kid. He got heavily into alcohol and used marijuana to self medicate. When this happens to a child parents are walking a tightrope. All you can do is your best and pray and never give up. Somehow along the way he realized that he would only be able to live a decent life by getting an education and that he was interested in the health field. That's when he began to turn his life around. Yeah, I started this thread with a gripe.....but I do have much to be thankful for. Number one....he's still alive. Number two....he really did turn it around and work hard in school to get where he is. Yeah, he's not perfect and if we could go back there are things that I definitely would do differently when he was young, but he's working and supporting himself. He's just got some attitude.....and I was blowing some steam about that. Really, he's got attitude. But, he's alive and he's grown up.....some.

Nikonbob Loc: Upper Chichester, PA

Steve,

Disappointments notwithstanding, the obvious take-away from the story is that you are a good father. Sometime in the future, hopefully not too many years from now, your son will appreciate your generosity and understand your love and sacrifices. I wish you both much success and closeness.

Bob