Checkmate Loc: Southern California

The two most important events in all of
history were the invention of beer and the
invention of the wheel

Beer required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
were invented yet, so while our early humans
were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer and vice versa. These two were the
foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting
of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and
killing animals to BBQ at night while they
were drinking beer. This was the beginning
of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting
(called /'vegetarians'/ which was an early
human word meaning /'bad hunter') /learned
to live off the Conservatives by showing up
for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hairdressing. This was the
beginning of the liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men “evolved” into
women. Others became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include
the domestication of cats, the invention of
group therapy, group hugs, and the concept
of democratic voting to decide how to divide
the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be
symbolized by the largest, most powerful
land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals
are symbolized by the jackass for obvious
reasons.

Modern Liberals like special flavored beer
(with lime added), but most prefer white
wine spritzers or imported bottled water.
They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare. Another interesting
evolutionary side note: many liberal women
have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, film
makers in Hollywood, group therapists and
community organizers are liberals. Liberals
meddled in our national pastime and invented
the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red
meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are members of the military,
big game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police officers, engineers,
corporate executives, athletes, airline
pilots, and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own
companies hire other Conservatives who want
to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They
like to govern the producers and decide what
to do with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than
Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when Conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business
of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a
momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so
convinced of the absolute truth of this
history that it will be shared immediately
to other true believers and to just piss-off
more liberals.

And there you have it. Let your next action
reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a
few beers and grill some steaks! Right after
I forward this!!!

spaceylb Loc: Long Beach, N.Y.

LOL

dennis2146 Loc: Eastern Idaho

Dennis

srg

Well, according to this I must be a conservative then. The only exception being that I prefer to enhance my consciousness with something less harmful to my body than beer (or any poisonous alcohol for that matter) (At 78 my belly is still flat enough that I can see my toes without leaning over, and flexible enough that I can still put my palms on the floor standing up without bending my knees.)
I also find it incongruous that others who share my conservatisms seem to favor the orange girly boy who probably does not share any of the above sentiment.

rmalarz Loc: Tempe, Arizona

Priceless
--Bob

JoAnneK01 Loc: Lahaina, Hawaii

Appreciate the history lesson. Mahalo for sharing.

soba1 Loc: Somewhere In So Ca

mjmoore17 Loc: Philadelphia, PA area

How do conservatives explain the great orange god. He eats only well done meat and does not drink.

wilpharm Loc: Oklahoma

wilpharm Loc: Oklahoma

how do you explain yourself???? that should be a helluva challenge, Maryjane

FrumCA

While intended to be humorous, this is mostly very accurate.

FrumCA

Most of us don't have to explain MaryJane. We aren't suffering from TDS.

mjmoore17 Loc: Philadelphia, PA area

You just need to explain the sores on your knees. You have all the trump you can handle.

sgt hop Loc: baltimore md,now in salisbury md

you got it right

Alafoto Loc: Montgomery, AL

VERY well written, my friend. If this is your own work, I commend you.