World's Funniest Joke
Sep 29, 2019 20:15:05 #
Yesterday Graham posted a link where someone had surveyed a lot of people to come up with the world's funniest joke. I had heard that joke before and while it would be a top choice, I maybe would not place it #1. I have a number of jokes that I would put ahead of that one and possibly picked them up right here on UHH. Here are two of them:
#1.
Earl and Martha were spending a nice quite evening in their family room watching T.V. when Earl got up and headed for the kitchen. He told Martha he was going for a dish of vanilla ice cream and asked if she too would like one. Yes, she said but please put some chocolate syrup on mine. She then told Earl to write that down. Earl said, no need, you want a dish of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup and again heads for the kitchen. Half way there Martha calls out that she would also like some peanuts on her ice cream and urges Earl to write that down. Earl responds that isn't necessary, she wants a dish of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup and peanuts and again heads for the kitchen. Just as he is about to exit the room Martha again calls out and asks for whipped cream as well, and again told Earl to write it down.
By now Earl is frustrated with Martha and says for heaven's sake Martha, you want a dish of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup, peanuts, and whipped cream. This time Earl makes it to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he makes it back to the family room and hands Martha a plate of bacon, eggs and home fries. She takes the plate, looks up and says "Oh Earl, you forgot the toast".
#2:
A priest, an ophthalmologist, and a lawyer were playing golf one day when they arrived at a par 3 and observed four people on the green they would be hitting to. The group was putting around and taking all the time in the world. After about five minutes they called a ranger over and said, "what's going on down there, those guys are just meandering around and taking way too long to finish putting". The ranger apologized and explained that the men were four blind firemen. A year earlier the clubhouse had caught fire and these men saved the club but lost their sight in the process. The general manager told them they could come out and play anytime they wanted without paying. The priest exclaimed, "oh, dear, I'll pray for them". The ophthalmologist questioned if he maybe could help them. Then the lawyer chimed in and said, "why can't they play at night!"
#1.
Earl and Martha were spending a nice quite evening in their family room watching T.V. when Earl got up and headed for the kitchen. He told Martha he was going for a dish of vanilla ice cream and asked if she too would like one. Yes, she said but please put some chocolate syrup on mine. She then told Earl to write that down. Earl said, no need, you want a dish of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup and again heads for the kitchen. Half way there Martha calls out that she would also like some peanuts on her ice cream and urges Earl to write that down. Earl responds that isn't necessary, she wants a dish of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup and peanuts and again heads for the kitchen. Just as he is about to exit the room Martha again calls out and asks for whipped cream as well, and again told Earl to write it down.
By now Earl is frustrated with Martha and says for heaven's sake Martha, you want a dish of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup, peanuts, and whipped cream. This time Earl makes it to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he makes it back to the family room and hands Martha a plate of bacon, eggs and home fries. She takes the plate, looks up and says "Oh Earl, you forgot the toast".
#2:
A priest, an ophthalmologist, and a lawyer were playing golf one day when they arrived at a par 3 and observed four people on the green they would be hitting to. The group was putting around and taking all the time in the world. After about five minutes they called a ranger over and said, "what's going on down there, those guys are just meandering around and taking way too long to finish putting". The ranger apologized and explained that the men were four blind firemen. A year earlier the clubhouse had caught fire and these men saved the club but lost their sight in the process. The general manager told them they could come out and play anytime they wanted without paying. The priest exclaimed, "oh, dear, I'll pray for them". The ophthalmologist questioned if he maybe could help them. Then the lawyer chimed in and said, "why can't they play at night!"
Sep 29, 2019 20:47:23 #
Lol....to both! I relate to the first as an active participant and just plain enjoyed the second! Thanks, Walt
Sep 30, 2019 08:00:03 #
Sep 30, 2019 08:12:09 #
Two good friends who hadn't seen each other in a long time meet one another at the park while walking their dogs. A sudden downpour interrupts their conversation. One man says to his friend, "follow me and keep your sunglasses on." He leads them into a bar, fumbles his way to a table and loudly calls for a pitcher of beer.
The barmaid approaches the table, "You guys can't come in here with dogs!"
"We're blind, these are our guide dogs," the first man declares.
"Yeah?" the barmaid responds, "I can understand you getting a German shepherd for a guide dog but what about your pal here with a chihuahua?"
The second man jumps up and exclaims in a loud voice, "Chihuahua!? They gave me a freaking chihuahua!?"
The barmaid approaches the table, "You guys can't come in here with dogs!"
"We're blind, these are our guide dogs," the first man declares.
"Yeah?" the barmaid responds, "I can understand you getting a German shepherd for a guide dog but what about your pal here with a chihuahua?"
The second man jumps up and exclaims in a loud voice, "Chihuahua!? They gave me a freaking chihuahua!?"
Sep 30, 2019 08:21:25 #
Sep 30, 2019 08:36:09 #
Sep 30, 2019 09:32:28 #
Sep 30, 2019 09:32:40 #
Sep 30, 2019 09:53:09 #
Having spent many years as a farmer, my favorite joke is:
Two old Vermont farmers are leaning on the fence talking.
"That county agent really has it in for me. Giving me trouble all the time"
"What now?"
"Yesterday he came by and told me I had to have a concrete floor in my dairy barn.
Well, I fixed him. I grabbed a shovel, dug down 3 or 4 feet and showed him I DID have a concrete floor in there."
Two old Vermont farmers are leaning on the fence talking.
"That county agent really has it in for me. Giving me trouble all the time"
"What now?"
"Yesterday he came by and told me I had to have a concrete floor in my dairy barn.
Well, I fixed him. I grabbed a shovel, dug down 3 or 4 feet and showed him I DID have a concrete floor in there."
Sep 30, 2019 10:46:05 #
DirtFarmer wrote:
Having spent many years as a farmer, my favorite joke is:
Two old Vermont farmers are leaning on the fence talking.
"That county agent really has it in for me. Giving me trouble all the time"
"What now?"
"Yesterday he came by and told me I had to have a concrete floor in my dairy barn.
Well, I fixed him. I grabbed a shovel, dug down 3 or 4 feet and showed him I DID have a concrete floor in there."
Two old Vermont farmers are leaning on the fence talking.
"That county agent really has it in for me. Giving me trouble all the time"
"What now?"
"Yesterday he came by and told me I had to have a concrete floor in my dairy barn.
Well, I fixed him. I grabbed a shovel, dug down 3 or 4 feet and showed him I DID have a concrete floor in there."
Not what I expected but really good one.
Sep 30, 2019 10:46:39 #
A multitude of people have been waiting in line at a concert hall for hours in 100 degree heat.a gentleman notices the guy in front moving his head around as if he had a lot of stress so he grabs him from behind and starts massaging his neck and upper back area.the guy in front turns around and ask what the hell he was doing.the gentleman told him that he was a chiropractor and that he was trying to relieve some of his tention.the guy in front say,"I'm a damb attorney and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me.
Sep 30, 2019 10:55:58 #
An Aggie agricultural student graduated and wanted to get into raising chickens so he buried a few hundred chickens on his land.after a few months he noticed nothing was happening so he went and talked to his professor.his professor told him if he had learn one thing in his class was to take a soil sample first.
Sep 30, 2019 13:44:46 #
An old Scotsman and his wife were close to celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. The old gent proposed that for such an important event they should really celebrate, so he had planned exciting get-away trip for them.
Well, his wife was thrilled beyond belief. He had never taken her beyond the town limits in their fifty years of wedded bliss. She imagined boating on the canals of Venice, a luxury cruise to the Caribbean, sunning on the beaches of Spain, or even flying to Australia or Canada. She hopefully asked if any of these were possible destinations.
The husband, being a sensible and frugal man, had, of course, no intention of bankrupting himself, and replied that, no, they'd be going to the Great Summer Fair at Aberdeen.
His wife was somewhat crestfallen at that news, but then cheered herself up when she realized they'd at least have to travel more than twenty miles.
So the great day finally came and the couple went off to Aberdeen. Once at the Fair there were so many exciting things to see and do that the wife forgot all about her disappointment at not travelling internationally. She wanted to visit every booth on the midway, try every activity from ring tossing, gopher pounding and weight guessing to trying exotic foods, fortune telling and shooting.
Sadly her husband discouraged each opportunity saying "Nay lassie, that's just throwing away our money!" or "Nay lassie, that's not interesting enough..."
Finally they had passed through the entire fairground with the old gent not having spent a penny, when they came upon an open field upon which sat an elderly open cockpit bi-plane and a sign that read "Take a Flight Around the Fairgrounds: Only 10 Guineas!"
"Oh, can we, can we? begged the wife. Well the old Scot considered this maybe was a worthwhile investment of their celebration funds and told his wife yes. She was overjoyed that finally they would get to do SOMETHING on their second honeymoon.
Of course, being a thrifty Scotsman, he just had to haggle with the pilot about the price. After many back-and-forths a wager was made: if the Scot and his wife could get through the entire 20-minute flight without making a single sound--not a word, no oohs and aahs, nothing--they would fly for free. But at the least sound from either of them be it a shout or a gasp, the husband would pay double!
So with the pilot in front and the couple in the wider rear cockpit, the aircraft took off. Flying a wide circle around the fairgrounds, the pilot thottled back, reducing engine noise so he could hear any sound from behind,dipped the wings, pitched the nose up and down (none to gently) flexxed the rudder back and forth, yawwing the plane unexpectedly, trying to elicit some verbal response from his passengers. Sadly for him, after 20 minutes--nothing!
The pilot couldn't quit now... he had fuel to buy. He had to keep going: he had to get some response from the old man and his wife! So firewalled the thottle, pitched the nose up to an alarming angle and climbed the aircraft thousands of feet skyward, reaching over two miles above the ground. Then he began a series of aerobatic maneuvers. He wheeled and soared and swung the airplane all over the sky. Still no response from the taciturn couple. He tried barrel rolls, loops and spins, still no response! Finally after another twenty minutes he tried the "Lomcevak", the aircraft falling and twitching around in alll directions like a fluttering leaf all the way to just a few hundred feet from the ground. Alas, still not a sound from the passengers.
The pilot admitted defeat and landed. When the aircraft came to a spot the pilot leaned back and said, "O.K. You win! I can't imagine how you kept silent through all that."
The old Scot replied. "Well, laddie, I must admit you almost had me when my wife fell out!"
Well, his wife was thrilled beyond belief. He had never taken her beyond the town limits in their fifty years of wedded bliss. She imagined boating on the canals of Venice, a luxury cruise to the Caribbean, sunning on the beaches of Spain, or even flying to Australia or Canada. She hopefully asked if any of these were possible destinations.
The husband, being a sensible and frugal man, had, of course, no intention of bankrupting himself, and replied that, no, they'd be going to the Great Summer Fair at Aberdeen.
His wife was somewhat crestfallen at that news, but then cheered herself up when she realized they'd at least have to travel more than twenty miles.
So the great day finally came and the couple went off to Aberdeen. Once at the Fair there were so many exciting things to see and do that the wife forgot all about her disappointment at not travelling internationally. She wanted to visit every booth on the midway, try every activity from ring tossing, gopher pounding and weight guessing to trying exotic foods, fortune telling and shooting.
Sadly her husband discouraged each opportunity saying "Nay lassie, that's just throwing away our money!" or "Nay lassie, that's not interesting enough..."
Finally they had passed through the entire fairground with the old gent not having spent a penny, when they came upon an open field upon which sat an elderly open cockpit bi-plane and a sign that read "Take a Flight Around the Fairgrounds: Only 10 Guineas!"
"Oh, can we, can we? begged the wife. Well the old Scot considered this maybe was a worthwhile investment of their celebration funds and told his wife yes. She was overjoyed that finally they would get to do SOMETHING on their second honeymoon.
Of course, being a thrifty Scotsman, he just had to haggle with the pilot about the price. After many back-and-forths a wager was made: if the Scot and his wife could get through the entire 20-minute flight without making a single sound--not a word, no oohs and aahs, nothing--they would fly for free. But at the least sound from either of them be it a shout or a gasp, the husband would pay double!
So with the pilot in front and the couple in the wider rear cockpit, the aircraft took off. Flying a wide circle around the fairgrounds, the pilot thottled back, reducing engine noise so he could hear any sound from behind,dipped the wings, pitched the nose up and down (none to gently) flexxed the rudder back and forth, yawwing the plane unexpectedly, trying to elicit some verbal response from his passengers. Sadly for him, after 20 minutes--nothing!
The pilot couldn't quit now... he had fuel to buy. He had to keep going: he had to get some response from the old man and his wife! So firewalled the thottle, pitched the nose up to an alarming angle and climbed the aircraft thousands of feet skyward, reaching over two miles above the ground. Then he began a series of aerobatic maneuvers. He wheeled and soared and swung the airplane all over the sky. Still no response from the taciturn couple. He tried barrel rolls, loops and spins, still no response! Finally after another twenty minutes he tried the "Lomcevak", the aircraft falling and twitching around in alll directions like a fluttering leaf all the way to just a few hundred feet from the ground. Alas, still not a sound from the passengers.
The pilot admitted defeat and landed. When the aircraft came to a spot the pilot leaned back and said, "O.K. You win! I can't imagine how you kept silent through all that."
The old Scot replied. "Well, laddie, I must admit you almost had me when my wife fell out!"
Sep 30, 2019 14:39:56 #
Thanks to everyone who responded! After reading all the great jokes here, I'm glad to have started this thread.
Here is one more for good measure:
A man arrives home one day and as he enters the living room notices a fantastic looking blonde sitting on the sofa. When he inquires whom she might be, his wife laughs and told him that she wondered if he would recognize her. He asked what she had done to herself to look so good. "Well", she said, " I went to a yard sell and found a mirror for only 25 dollars. It was nice and large so I bought it". She related that on returning home she set the mirror in the upstairs hallway. As she was looked into the mirror, she mused how it would be to have a nice chest and boom, her chest became a perfect 36D! Taking a clue, she said she would also like beautiful wavy blonde hair, and again, boom, her hair turned to golden with soft curls. Once again she spoke out loud how nice it would be to have a nice waist and boom, her waist shrank from 30" to a nice tight 26". The husband was beside himself, all caught up in the moment he rushes up stairs and stands in front of the mirror. He speaks to the mirror and says, " I would like a penis that would touch the floor", and boom just like that his legs fall off.
Here is one more for good measure:
A man arrives home one day and as he enters the living room notices a fantastic looking blonde sitting on the sofa. When he inquires whom she might be, his wife laughs and told him that she wondered if he would recognize her. He asked what she had done to herself to look so good. "Well", she said, " I went to a yard sell and found a mirror for only 25 dollars. It was nice and large so I bought it". She related that on returning home she set the mirror in the upstairs hallway. As she was looked into the mirror, she mused how it would be to have a nice chest and boom, her chest became a perfect 36D! Taking a clue, she said she would also like beautiful wavy blonde hair, and again, boom, her hair turned to golden with soft curls. Once again she spoke out loud how nice it would be to have a nice waist and boom, her waist shrank from 30" to a nice tight 26". The husband was beside himself, all caught up in the moment he rushes up stairs and stands in front of the mirror. He speaks to the mirror and says, " I would like a penis that would touch the floor", and boom just like that his legs fall off.
Sep 30, 2019 15:22:59 #
The last Phrase in the flying joke is "But a 20 Quid is a 20 Quid." :-)
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