Maybe you Scots could explain this to your non Scottish friends

Oan takin’ a hunner fur Facebook an’ postin’ when pished).

Oh my Goad, am feelin’ great;
Aff tae the dance flair tae gyrate.
Oor kitchen’s lookin’ like a sea
Of glam an’ glitter.
Am clingin’ tae ma bevvy ticht
In case a slitter.

Sippin’ oan ma rum an’ juice;
A must admit, am feelin’ loose,
And dinnae wahnt tae hink aboot
The morra’s heid.
A pray an’ hope ah’ll be jist fine
Efter a feed.

Am lookin’ smashin; whit a stunner!
A drain ma gless doon in a wunner
An’ noo a really feel the need
Tae stert the show;
Grabbin’ ma wee phone fur snaps;
We’re gid tae go.

A summon aw ma lassies through
An’ switch the camera tae front view;
An staun’ an’ gee ma ginger loacks
A soart and fix.
We huddle roon’ an’ wait tae hear
The fast wee clicks.

A shuffle roon’ an’ change ma stance;
We dae some shoats an’ huv a dance,
A feel ma face is braw enough
Fur its ane shoot.
A stagger up and git a pal;
Am pished, nae doot.

Then in the moarn we congregate
An’ wae deep breaths we face oor fate,
An’ try tae fin’ oot whit the Hell
We hink wint oan.
A drag ma erse oot of ma pit
An’ check ma phone.

But then wan photie gee’s me fright;
There must jist no huv bin gid light.
“Git that oaf; ah look like shite!”
Ah flap an’ plead.
But a ken there’s jist nae point;
It’s oan “News Feed”.

There’s mare oanline, a look sae silly;
Am staunin’ wae a blow-up wullie,
Ma cross-eyed heid is gazin’
Intae time an’ space.
Aw shite, ah cannae quite believe
This fine disgrace.

A scrabble tae git them awa’
But hawf ma freens huv seen them aw,
An’ noo a wish a hudnae been
Sae bloody steamin’.
Here come the comments fae ma maw;
Ma cheeks are beamin’.

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor
says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and
emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

George replies, “God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get
up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!
The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! the light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife. “Ethel,”
he says, “George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom,
and when he’s done, poof! the light goes off?”

Oh my God!” Ethel exclaims. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!

This has probably been here before but there must be someone who hasn't seen it.


This test is to ascertain your mental state now.
If you get one right you are doing ok if you get none right
you better go for counselling.
Giraffe Test
There are 4 questions.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll
down.









The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe,
and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do
simple things in an overly complicated way.



2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?





Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant,
and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe,
put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability
to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..







3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?






Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there. This tests your memory.. Okay,
even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.






4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?








Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the
Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from
your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90%
of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong,
but many pre-schoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory
that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.


Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.

P.S. Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.


I leave for counselling in 10 minutes......
See ya'!

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and had the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rowed up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replied, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."


"Amazing," he noted. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explained the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy was stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she said "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to shore he nearly fell off the boat.

Before him was a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurted out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winked the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After exchanging their individual survival stories, the woman announced, " I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man went upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet was a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to the end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What's next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckoned him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?

She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean..." he swallowed excitedly as tears started to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"

Me too. Looks like the gremlins have left.

I opened this link last Monday. wonderful memories. However when I tried to get back in to the site it is now unavailable. Am I doing something wrong? Any help would be gratefully appreciated.

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin." .

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the naming committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence
The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

· The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
· Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
· Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
· Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
· All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
· The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
· The lash will still be available on request.
· Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
· All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
· Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.
· The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.
· The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
· She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.
· Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."



His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

The following is purported to be an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company (Iarnród Éireann).

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and indeed I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.
If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Yours feckin' truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

My dog's secret...

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his check-up and again during the year
if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he
needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard and earn a
living every day.
I was just thinking about all this and suddenly it hit me like a brick in
the head...


I think my dog might be an ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT!

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that do 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The air bag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer

1. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist idiots. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


2. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".


3. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


4. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


5. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."


6. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?"
Paddy - "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"


7. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.


8. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."


9. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

Another problem with a voice machine in Scotland

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAz_UvnUeuU

I'm definitely sending this to all my golfing mates.Sooo funny.

The recent, horrible and tragic building collapses in South Asia have already resulted in the adoption of new building construction standards and practices ... in a regulatory effort to ensure this type of disaster never again occurs.
Only a month after more than 1,100 Bangladeshi garment workers lost their lives in the collapse of a badly-built and poorly-maintained eight - story building, the new building code has - thankfully - gone into force ... and its rigid practices are already being applied by highly-skilled and properly-trained construction teams labouring on job-sites all across the sub-continent.
Especially for those of you with some construction work in your background I give you this.

The foreman is the guy on the tambourine.

http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/cFb0nLCKypg?rel=0