A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was
in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke, a
local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy any
female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla
for £500?

Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over
carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only
under four conditions:

1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin' on't lips." The Keeper quickly
agreed to this condition.

2. "Secund", he said, "Tha' can't ever tell anybody abaht this." The Keeper
again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all't bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha's got to gi me another week to
come up wi' 500 quid"

Having been dabbling in Photoshop since PS7 and learning a little more with each subsequent version, I decided to take advantage of the latest version and purchase CC14. As this also comes with Lightroom which I have never used before, should I now start to learn this or is there anything in this programme which I can't do in Photoshop.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F9jXYOH2c0

( Make sure you read right to the very end )
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )



Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588,
when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."
They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the
front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate."
Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

There was an old man from Iran,
whose poetry no one could scan,
when asked why this was
he replied "It's because
I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can."


There was a young girl from Aberystwyth
took some corn to the mill to get grist with,
the miller's son Jack
laid her flat on her back
and united the organs they pissed with.

Welcome to the hog Tony. I've always found these videos to be excellent and I hope you can understand the Brit. accent.

http://www.photographycourses.biz/index.html

Download Dropbox to both devices, add photos to Dropbox on PC and they will also be loaded to Ipad.

I've always found these videos very clear and easy to understand. Give them a go.

http://www.photographycourses.biz/all_photography_videos.html

I found this site to be very informative.

http://www.photographycourses.biz/all_photography_videos.html

The cage door may be open but the beast is asleep.

I'd be grateful for any advice on this subject.
Using photoshop CC, is it better to shoot in Raw or to shoot in JPEG and then use the Raw filter for post processing?

Sincere thanks to everyone who posted advice on this topic of group shots. It's given me a lot to think about.

I'm looking for some advice from someone who knows more about posing groups than I do.
I'm trying to figure out the best way to pose a family group shot.
Myself and my wife, our two kids and their spouses, and their five children, oldest nine and youngest just two years old.
Any help would be gratefully appreciated.

Not a single swear word in their comic routines:

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man.
The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife calls it the Dead Sea .

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida ..
"Mom, how are you?"
Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.
" The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?
"The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband.
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday.
On the next visit, he wears the brown one.
The mother says, "What's the matter already?
Didn't you like the blue one?"

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself" she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off,