My Daughter Loves This And Has It Framed In Her Room
Aug 7, 2012 07:19:27 #
DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness, where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided also movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. I have been in jail and not afraid to return.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Sarge
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness, where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided also movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. I have been in jail and not afraid to return.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Sarge
Aug 7, 2012 08:13:08 #
Aug 7, 2012 09:04:39 #
Aug 7, 2012 09:21:11 #
When I started dateing again after my divorce i got something simular from my oldest daughter reading this brings back fond memories of breaking her rules....makes me wonder if she has the same kind of memoryies
Aug 8, 2012 06:46:51 #
Aug 8, 2012 07:27:43 #
Hey, Sarge. Loved it. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time, in particular, at #3, #4, and #10. Thank you for sharing.
Aug 8, 2012 09:03:11 #
Aug 8, 2012 09:28:46 #
Aug 8, 2012 10:26:26 #
This makes you a D.A.D.D.
Dads Against Daughters Dating
Dads Against Daughters Dating
Aug 8, 2012 11:10:25 #
Aug 8, 2012 11:55:21 #
How old is your daughter ..... i love it ... have read it before - i think it's great for my son to read AND my daughter - thinking they are still too young .... :)
Aug 9, 2012 08:16:01 #
Reminds me of my husband....When our eldest daughter brought her 1st boy home (he was cleaning his guns) He told the boy anything he did to our daughter my husband was going to do to him.Then he kissed the boy on the mouth and said "That ones on me" That poor boy....To this day I still laugh when I think about the look on his face. :lol:
Aug 10, 2012 21:07:54 #
HarryM
Loc: NYC (now in Florida)
Ohh, you're great!
I loved it!!
If I had daughters, I would feel just like you!!!
But....I had three sons...so the rules were different,
but "tough" just the same!
Harry
I loved it!!
If I had daughters, I would feel just like you!!!
But....I had three sons...so the rules were different,
but "tough" just the same!
Harry
Aug 11, 2012 07:03:27 #
photomom wrote:
How old is your daughter ..... i love it ... have read it before - i think it's great for my son to read AND my daughter - thinking they are still too young .... :)
photomom - She turns 24 in October. Just got an apartment in Portland, Maine where she got a job with animal medicine research firm IDEEX as a research assistant 2. Going to move out again next week to a new apartment about 45 minutes from here.
Sarge
Aug 13, 2012 16:35:49 #
I love it, Sarge!
Will print this out for when my granddaughter starts dating....next century.
Reminds me of my sister's first date. Both my brother & I rode our motorcycles all the way home from college to be there...and answer the door.
The kid that took her out talked about that one for a long time...my sister still does!
Will print this out for when my granddaughter starts dating....next century.
Reminds me of my sister's first date. Both my brother & I rode our motorcycles all the way home from college to be there...and answer the door.
The kid that took her out talked about that one for a long time...my sister still does!
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