British exam answers.........Graham
Feb 7, 2018 10:59:21 #
Please Remember these are English
============================
British exam answers
Apparently the following answers were offered by British students in the public examinations set for 15 year olds.
English
Define the word “monotony.”
Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.
Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (Hands that do dishes)
What does the word “benign” mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the intestines.
Technology
What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.
History
What is Britain’s highest award for valour in war?
Nelson’s column. (A famous statue in London)
Religious Instruction
Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
The fatted calf.
What is a Hindu?
It lays eggs.
Name some famous pilgrimages.
Muslims used to go to Gamages but now it’s closed. Christians still go on pilgrimage to Lord’s.
Geography
Name the four seasons.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
What is the equator?
A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.
Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
What is a planet?
A body of earth surrounded by sky.
What causes the tides in the oceans?
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
What is a fossil?
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Biology
What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Premature death.
What is artificial insemination?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.
How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain,
the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton
is something to hitch the meat onto.
What is the Fibula?
A small lie.
Where are the Tibia?
They live in a country in North Africa.
What does “varicose” mean?
Nearby.
What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
What is the alimentary canal?
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
What is a coma?
A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.
What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.
What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.
Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each?
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
Sociology
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
What is a social node?
A friend you have known for a very long time.
Medical
What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised in a road accident?
Rape them tight in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.
What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The kiss of death.
What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water?
1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
How can you help someone who has fainted?
1. Rub the person’s chest or, if it’s a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
1. Circumcision.
2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
How would you treat a head cold?
Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog?
Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion?
If the blood is affirmative or negative.
How should you remove dust from the eye?
Pull the eye down over the nose.
What is an enema?
Someone who is not your friend.
Psychology
What is a morbid state?
A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.
Botany
What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
The rectum.
Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
What is rhubarb?
A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments.
Chemistry
What is a supersaturated solution?
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Physics
What is momentum?
What you give a body when they are going away.
What is a vacuum?
A large empty space where the pope lives.
What is a magnet?
Something you find crawling on a dead cat.
Cheers and Beers
Graham
098
============================
British exam answers
Apparently the following answers were offered by British students in the public examinations set for 15 year olds.
English
Define the word “monotony.”
Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.
Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (Hands that do dishes)
What does the word “benign” mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the intestines.
Technology
What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.
History
What is Britain’s highest award for valour in war?
Nelson’s column. (A famous statue in London)
Religious Instruction
Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
The fatted calf.
What is a Hindu?
It lays eggs.
Name some famous pilgrimages.
Muslims used to go to Gamages but now it’s closed. Christians still go on pilgrimage to Lord’s.
Geography
Name the four seasons.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
What is the equator?
A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.
Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
What is a planet?
A body of earth surrounded by sky.
What causes the tides in the oceans?
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
What is a fossil?
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Biology
What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Premature death.
What is artificial insemination?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.
How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain,
the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton
is something to hitch the meat onto.
What is the Fibula?
A small lie.
Where are the Tibia?
They live in a country in North Africa.
What does “varicose” mean?
Nearby.
What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
What is the alimentary canal?
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
What is a coma?
A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.
What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.
What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.
Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each?
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
Sociology
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
What is a social node?
A friend you have known for a very long time.
Medical
What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised in a road accident?
Rape them tight in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.
What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The kiss of death.
What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water?
1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
How can you help someone who has fainted?
1. Rub the person’s chest or, if it’s a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
1. Circumcision.
2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
How would you treat a head cold?
Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog?
Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion?
If the blood is affirmative or negative.
How should you remove dust from the eye?
Pull the eye down over the nose.
What is an enema?
Someone who is not your friend.
Psychology
What is a morbid state?
A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.
Botany
What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
The rectum.
Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
What is rhubarb?
A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments.
Chemistry
What is a supersaturated solution?
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Physics
What is momentum?
What you give a body when they are going away.
What is a vacuum?
A large empty space where the pope lives.
What is a magnet?
Something you find crawling on a dead cat.
Cheers and Beers
Graham
098
Feb 7, 2018 11:15:22 #
Almost as bad as the educational system in the U.S. I wonder how the euthanasia do.
Feb 7, 2018 11:25:15 #
Graham,
I was laughing so hard tears were flowing down my cheeks. Thanks for these
Cheers and beers,
Bob
I was laughing so hard tears were flowing down my cheeks. Thanks for these
Cheers and beers,
Bob
Feb 7, 2018 12:27:26 #
rmalarz wrote:
Graham,
I was laughing so hard tears were flowing down my cheeks. Thanks for these
Cheers and beers,
Bob
I was laughing so hard tears were flowing down my cheeks. Thanks for these
Cheers and beers,
Bob
Ey-up Bob, me too, when I laugh a lot, I start to cough uncontrollably and some of those are so funny, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack.
You are used to a lot of our English humour and you saw, probably all of them. You will notice at the beginning of the thread I emphasised they were
English humour.
Cheers and Beers
Graham
098
Feb 7, 2018 12:43:26 #
Fotoartist wrote:
Almost as bad as the educational system in the U.S. I wonder how the euthanasia do.
--------------------------
British exam answers
Apparently the following answers were offered by British students in the public examinations set for 15 year olds.
=========--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Take notice of the word apparently and remember it's just a joke email doing the rounds??????????? It's not the Gospel Truth????????
Graham
Feb 8, 2018 07:41:07 #
Could you just imagine being the person correcting these examinations? Graham you really posted a goldmine of humour today. Thanks for several morning chuckles with this post.
Feb 8, 2018 08:30:43 #
Love them Graham, 15 year olds well on the the way to being Politicians, if they were true. 
Feb 8, 2018 08:31:43 #
Feb 8, 2018 09:32:53 #
Feb 8, 2018 09:43:26 #
breck
Loc: Derbyshire UK
ottopj wrote:
Saw these years ago attributed to American school children.
Yes so did I and in UHH
Feb 8, 2018 11:44:34 #
muysabio
Loc: Mexico DF
Fotoartist wrote:
Almost as bad as the educational system in the U.S. I wonder how the euthanasia do.
I hope you are not thing about retroactive euthanasia for me:) Some of the answers sound like things that I did. Once I had a biology test and we had to name different species of fish. Of course I didn't study so I answered smoked fish and lox! No reason to ask -- I din't pass the test.
Feb 8, 2018 14:53:31 #
breck wrote:
Yes so did I and in UHH
I'm so sorry about that, I feel terrible about wasting your valuable time. If I have time to spare in future, I'll spend a bit more time on
researching the UHH archives, before I decide to post or not, but there seems to be a few who enjoyed them, after all there's 82,880
members on UHH. So I just keep my fingers crossed all 82,880 members haven't seen the thread before and those who have still enjoy
seeing it again...........................Sorry again..........Honestly I am!!!!
PS.........This is only a voluntary pastime????It's not a paid job!!!!!
Cheers and Beers
Graham
/098\
Feb 8, 2018 14:56:00 #
ottopj wrote:
Saw these years ago attributed to American school children.
I'm so sorry about that, I'm so very sorry for wasting your valuable time. If I have time to spare in future, I'll spend
a bit more time on researching the UHH archives, before I decide to post or not, but there seems to be a few who
enjoyed them, after all there's 82,880 members on UHH. So I just keep my fingers crossed all 82,880 members
haven't seen the thread before and those who have, still enjoy seeing it again.........Sorry again..........Honestly I am!!!!
PS. This is only a voluntary pastime???? It's not a paid job!!
Cheers and Beers
Graham
/098\
Feb 8, 2018 15:30:03 #
Graham Thirkill wrote:
Please Remember these are English br =============... (show quote)
loved these Graham made my morning and who cares if they have been posted before they are funny and I have never seen them before
Feb 8, 2018 16:05:40 #
catgirl wrote:
loved these Graham made my morning and who cares if they have been posted before they are funny
and I have never seen them before
and I have never seen them before
catgirl brilliant, thanks, you put it in a nutshell, far better than I did. How many "new jokes" are written purposely for debuting on this
forum?????? Sometimes I wonder if I'm wasting my time and then I get a message like yours and many other appreciative messages.
Then I know it is worth it.......Thanks again......
Cheers and beers, or perhaps in your case a lovely glass of an excellent French Wine.......
Graham/098\
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