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A Few Irish jokes.....Graham
Oct 31, 2017 11:08:17 #
You can't beat the Irish for Joke Telling....
"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick.
"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"
"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"
"A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.
===========
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
===========================
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!
======================
Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."
"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
===================
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"
===================
Paddy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
Paddy explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
The barman asks: “What do you have?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
=====================
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy replies: "In the car." "Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy
==============
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day.
One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog.
His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?" Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down." "Was he mad," asks Billy.
"He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.
================
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."
=================
Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.
In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: "Did you see the paper?! "They say I died!"
The friend replies: "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?"
==============
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"
---------------------------
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
===============
Cheers and a Pint of Guiness Please
Graham
098
"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick.
"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"
"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"
"A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.
===========
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
===========================
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!
======================
Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."
"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
===================
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"
===================
Paddy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
Paddy explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
The barman asks: “What do you have?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
=====================
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy replies: "In the car." "Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy
==============
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day.
One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog.
His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?" Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down." "Was he mad," asks Billy.
"He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.
================
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."
=================
Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.
In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: "Did you see the paper?! "They say I died!"
The friend replies: "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?"
==============
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"
---------------------------
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
===============
Cheers and a Pint of Guiness Please
Graham
098
Oct 31, 2017 11:16:44 #
Loved these Graham and thanks to you have started the day with some good laughs. Thanks for sharing. 
Oct 31, 2017 11:17:08 #
Tikva
Loc: Waukesha, WI
Very nice. I always look forward to your posts. They always give me a chuckle or two.
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Oct 31, 2017 13:03:24 #
Nov 1, 2017 07:19:18 #
pacman
Loc: Toowoomba, Qld, Australia.
Thanks Graham, very entertaining. Funniest Irish joke presenter I have ever encountered was a Big Bus driver in Dublin. Non stop hilarity although, by the end of the tour, it just seemed a bit too much. Too much of a good thing, I guess.
On another note, many years ago my regional Queensland city experienced 6 - 8 weeks of continuous rain. The paved streets in the city center were the cleanest they had ever been. Nevertheless, the council street washer truck appeared every morning, washing the already crystal clean gutters! I could only presume the bureaucrats in control were of Irish descent! BTW Irish folk, just joking.
On another note, many years ago my regional Queensland city experienced 6 - 8 weeks of continuous rain. The paved streets in the city center were the cleanest they had ever been. Nevertheless, the council street washer truck appeared every morning, washing the already crystal clean gutters! I could only presume the bureaucrats in control were of Irish descent! BTW Irish folk, just joking.
Nov 1, 2017 09:08:53 #
Nov 1, 2017 10:27:27 #
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Nov 1, 2017 14:42:35 #
Here's a few more of the great Irish wit.
-------------------------------------------
His wife had been killed in an automobile accident and the police were questioning Flanagan. The Sergeant asked,
"Did she say anything before she died"?
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years!", said the Irishman.
-----------------------------------------
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,
"If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening,
"Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."
When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said,
"I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."
His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said,
"Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."
His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."
The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said,
"Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that, your husband, John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".
"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts. He's only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep. The second time, I had to pull him out by the ears."
---------------------------------------------------
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean,
"You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
Sean replied, "Well, then between the two of us, we got 'em all."
------------------------------------------------------
Pat & Mick landed themselves sawmill jobs. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled,
"Mick, I've lost me finger!"
"Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"
Pat replied, "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this. Damn! There goes another one!"
------------------------------------------------------
Mahoney said to his friend McMaken,
"I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"
"Tis a good thing, too - 'twas a nasty habit you had!," responded McMaken.
------------------------------------------------------
One afternoon, Bill Clinton was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.
"Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says.
"This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub. That makes 8!"
Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word"
"OK," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy calls back.
"Right, Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Bill asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm"
Once more Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers, 10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"
"I'll be dogged!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
"Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Ted's crop-sprayer, with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Once more Bill sighs and says,
"I must tell you Paddy, I have 4000 bombers, 8000 high maneuverability attack planes, my military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles. Since we last spoke, my army increased to 2 million."
"Oh cripes," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"
"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "We've all had a chat and t'be sure, There's just no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said,
"What's wrong?"
The first Irishman said,
"I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth.
She went to church every single morning,
She spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures,
She sang hymns and psalms all evening,
She filled our house with religious statues and paintings,
She invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."
"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented,
I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."
"No," the first Irishman replied, "I strangled the bitch."
----------------------------------------------------
Father O'Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?"
"And the rest of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be after sending a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded:
"Well now father, it was always my impression, that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment & then Father O'Malley replied:
"Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!"
-------------------------------------------
His wife had been killed in an automobile accident and the police were questioning Flanagan. The Sergeant asked,
"Did she say anything before she died"?
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years!", said the Irishman.
-----------------------------------------
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,
"If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening,
"Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."
When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said,
"I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."
His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said,
"Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."
His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."
The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said,
"Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that, your husband, John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".
"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts. He's only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep. The second time, I had to pull him out by the ears."
---------------------------------------------------
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean,
"You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
Sean replied, "Well, then between the two of us, we got 'em all."
------------------------------------------------------
Pat & Mick landed themselves sawmill jobs. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled,
"Mick, I've lost me finger!"
"Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"
Pat replied, "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this. Damn! There goes another one!"
------------------------------------------------------
Mahoney said to his friend McMaken,
"I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"
"Tis a good thing, too - 'twas a nasty habit you had!," responded McMaken.
------------------------------------------------------
One afternoon, Bill Clinton was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.
"Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says.
"This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub. That makes 8!"
Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word"
"OK," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy calls back.
"Right, Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Bill asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm"
Once more Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers, 10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"
"I'll be dogged!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
"Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Ted's crop-sprayer, with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Once more Bill sighs and says,
"I must tell you Paddy, I have 4000 bombers, 8000 high maneuverability attack planes, my military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles. Since we last spoke, my army increased to 2 million."
"Oh cripes," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"
"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "We've all had a chat and t'be sure, There's just no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said,
"What's wrong?"
The first Irishman said,
"I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth.
She went to church every single morning,
She spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures,
She sang hymns and psalms all evening,
She filled our house with religious statues and paintings,
She invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."
"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented,
I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."
"No," the first Irishman replied, "I strangled the bitch."
----------------------------------------------------
Father O'Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?"
"And the rest of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be after sending a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded:
"Well now father, it was always my impression, that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment & then Father O'Malley replied:
"Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!"
Nov 1, 2017 16:06:56 #
Nov 1, 2017 19:00:48 #
Los-Angeles-Shooter
Loc: Los Angeles
racist jokes. What's next? African-American jokes? Misogynist jokes? Anti-Semitic jokes?
How about an English joke? … "British cuisine!"
How about an English joke? … "British cuisine!"
Nov 1, 2017 19:15:08 #
Another one.
An Irishman and a Scot walk into a bar together. The Scot announces loudly, "Drinks for everyone, on me!"
The local newspaper the next day has the headline:
"Famous Irish ventriloquist found strangled in alley behind pub!"
An Irishman and a Scot walk into a bar together. The Scot announces loudly, "Drinks for everyone, on me!"
The local newspaper the next day has the headline:
"Famous Irish ventriloquist found strangled in alley behind pub!"
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Nov 2, 2017 20:40:14 #
GeneV
Loc: Lampasas, Texas
Graham and BBurns, nothing like a good Irish joke to spark up the day. My great grandfather came to the US from Dublin in the 1880s and my grandfather, a true Irish gentleman truly liked a spot of the hops. Just for the record I am truly proud of my Irish heritage and will have to admit I am not very PC and cannot how the snowflakes can let such piddly things affect them. I know, I grew up in kinder, gentler times, started college after high school, spent four years in the Air Force during Korea, graduated college after discharge, and spent the rest of my working years in at least five different careers, and at no time did I feel endangered by ideas, speaches, or even statues and thoroughly enjoyed many types of humor, espeacially jokes about my Irish hereitage. So thank you Graham and BBurns for the welcome bits of humor. Let the snowflakes melt.
Nov 3, 2017 02:53:36 #
GeneV wrote:
You are welcome. It is unfortunate that many have never learned to laugh at themselves. Here is another tidbit of non PC, racist humor.Graham and BBurns, nothing like a good Irish joke to spark up the day.....for the welcome bits of humor. Let the snowflakes melt.
A Swede, an Irishman and a Scotsman take their wives golfing. The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?" Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies,
"I can't afford any on the money you give me."
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains,
"You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, fer the love 'o decency, Lass, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."
Nov 4, 2017 08:25:55 #
PC or not, if it's funny, it's funny. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at. I'm French, and I've heard plenty of good French jokes. I just get annoyed when I have to stop telling a joke to explain it.
Nov 4, 2017 19:07:29 #
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