Jakebrake Loc: Broomfield, Colorado

In my email. Funny! Thanks Brian!

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated...
He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat... If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to 'Milk Duds', your sense of humor is seriously broken.

This message is for America 's most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity.... Move to Guam.

Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do.
Do Not Go!!!
I know.

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would Be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting'. Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, 'We have lift off'.

Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million Weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

'Bananas,' he said.

'For the potassium?' I asked.

'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.'

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Lead foot. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us



We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas.

And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that.

I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.

I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed.

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice... I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I Was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person In history to throw down.

I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

'Two Bags.'



"A veteran is someone who at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to The United States of America for any amount, up to and including their life."

crabbicat Loc: Arizona

Now that was funny. Thanks for cheering my day.

Jakebrake Loc: Broomfield, Colorado

Yea, I laughed so hard I darn near spit coffee on my keyboard!

robertjerl Loc: Corona, California

Yep it is funny. My Dad had something similar happen in an F4 Phantom. He was a union official at St Louis's Lambert Field and became friends and a hunting buddy with one of McDonald's test pilots. (factory was next to the field and planes were constantly tested). He was in Washington on business and ran into his buddy at the airfield. His buddy told him they were there giving Congressmen and Senators rides in the new version being peddled to the military and he had a flight in less an hour that a Senator had canceled out and no one else was available. It was the last flight of the day and they didn't want the plane to sit overnight with a full load of fuel so he was going up to burn it off because it was easier than draining it. Would my Dad like to go for the ride? He said sure, just don't do any crazy stuff. Oh, no, just a milk run. (Dad should have known better.) Well they ran Dad in and found a G-Suit and helmet in the right sizes, plopped him in the back seat, showed him what stuff not to touch and they were off. Straight up on afterburner to operational altitude then out over the Atlantic with the throttle maxed out, dive down to mast top level for a few passes at some Navy ships that were using the plane for radar tracking practice, including one very low pass inverted. A speed run at about 50 feet leaving a rooster tail behind the plane. Some aerobatics and then just happened to meet some fighters off a nearby carrier for a bit of dogfight practice then back to the airfield. I think it took about 6 months for my Dad to quite plotting to kill him and start talking to him again. Of course by hunting season they were all OK and after geese and turkeys together again.

That blank check, just ones I have known in my life - one Grandfather, three great uncles, 6 uncles, one brother, myself and my eldest son have all signed that check (more cousins than I can count). I can trace other veterans all the way back to England in the 1600s and before. Dad tried, 4 times but they turned him down because of a bad leg (trampled by a horse when 9) so he built Merlins at Packard Motors and flew with Civil Air Patrol over the Great Lakes.
Most of the left/progressives really do not understand or relate to the members of my family.

doughboy33

How right you are.

letmedance Loc: Walnut, Ca.

Way back in 65 I was in basic training at Lackland AFB in San Antonio. The flight had a day where we were all required to volunteer for medical testing, I was volunteered to spend 6 hours in a DC6 testing air sickness drugs. The Idea was to test by giving half of the mandatory volunteers a drug and the other half a placebo and then do the roller coaster bit for 30 minutes at a time then rest for 30 minutes, needles to say I either got the placebo or the drug failed the test. The effects took 3 days to wear off and then I was still a bit weakened.

FrankR Loc: NYC

That's really funny, thanks. My only comment is that for Jeter's black book, I would go up again. 😜😬😎

ebbote Loc: Hockley, Texas

Great story Jake and very funny.

skylinefirepest Loc: Southern Pines, N.C.

Great story. I was in the Air Force during Nam but I was a weather weenie so all I got to fly on was C130 types. Low and Slow!

kmcclimon

Hey there, I was a weather weenie in the Air Force also '72-'93.

skylinefirepest Loc: Southern Pines, N.C.

Hey, I was in 3rd Squadron, 5th WW, and stationed at Lackland for training, Chanute for weather training, Seymour Johnson, Sondestrom Greenland, back to N.C. at Pope which is close to where I grew up, then tdy to Puerto Rico for Exotic Dancer 2. Loved it...wished I'd have stayed for a career!

DeanS Loc: Capital City area of North Carolina

I was a similar guinea pin in a C-118 in 1955.

skylinefirepest Loc: Southern Pines, N.C.

You know, when one is young they can think that money is more important than job satisfaction...it ain't so!! That's why I wish I had stayed...and now I've been a volunteer fireman for going on twenty six years and if I had found it when I was young ( because firefighting is definitely a young man's job ) then I would have done that. It is the most satisfaction that I have ever found in a job. Every time the pager goes off somebody needs our help and we will render that help to the utmost of our ability even risking life and limb. I'm now seventy two and limited to driving, Safety Officer, and station photographer...the only fire I work on now is whatever I can hit with the deluge gun on my tanker.

DavidPhares Loc: Chandler, Arizona

Thanks to all you guys for your service. It is because of your service, and countless others, that we on UHH can enjoy our photography in freedom. Thanks, again.

hopthecop Loc: salisbury md

i had basic at sampson afb ,geneva ny, training at chanute afb and was stationed at mc guire afb ....had a daughter that did her 4 years and a son that retired from the air force....we were air force people....twas a good thing for me.....i got my ged while serving.....i was going down hill before joining....