BBurns Loc: South Bay, California

How sad. Not all us us men are bad. It was my 1st wife that I referred to earlier.

I met & married my 2nd 2 years later. We had 15 good years. She passed from medical issues in '90.

I have been with my 3rd almost 25 yrs. now. All is well.

If we can just get the adult kids to move out and stay out now.

romanticf16 Loc: Commerce Twp, MI

It is called rationalization- lying to ourselves to make us feel better. Everyone around her knows what she is doing. She only digs a deeper hole to fall into.

mslubner Loc: Redskin Ridge, Texas

I find this very sad. I told all my husbands (yes, more than one) that as long as they were truthful and told the truth no matter what, we could get through anything together...even infidelity. The first two must have thought I was lying because #1 never confessed even with documented proof and #2 did (after the first transgression) confess to several short affairs and we worked through them. I did not leave him over those happenings but after 39 years of marriage he had "handed me one too many bricks to carry". I had lived through one thing after another and many had happened back in the '70s so that it was really only one minor incident that triggered me to say "I want a divorce." To the world it looked petty but after 39 years of waiting for him to revert back to the man I had married, I just decided I didn't have any fight left in me and needed to move on before we ended up resenting each other. I have to say, as horrid as this was for you, she must have still had feelings for you or she would have asked for a divorce before setting up a second household. In the end she would have been better off and so would have you. Whether you know it or not right now, this is not earth-shattering. It just means you get to start life again on your own terms. That just may be a good thing.

Lingen Loc: Grenada, Caribbean

I can't add any 'advice' to the excellent comments above: but I too have been through it, having married a serial exploitress who omitted to mention that fact when we met.
Yes, get a lawyer who belongs to the few who does not believe that being a man automatically puts you in the wrong. And know that this community is behind you and 'available' for as long as it takes.

bkyser Loc: Fly over country in Indiana

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I have never met you in person, but from what I know by the love you show for your kids in your posts, and the way you are so involved with family, I think you are a very good person.

As others have said, it isn't uncommon for the guilty to blame everyone else. It doesn't make it right, or easy.

Just remember when there are kids involved, you both need to try to at least be civil and not air the dirty laundry in front of them. My suggestion (I've never been there, but work in mental health) is when you meet, that is the time to agree that the kids won't be drawn in, or set against the other parent. You will fight, but at least fight fair, and don't do anything more to hurt the children. They will already be having a hard enough time.

Good luck to you, and know that you have friends and family right here on UHH that would be happy just to give you someone to vent with.