The New Royal Navy.
Sep 13, 2013 15:11:17 #
The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, Health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on working hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; So out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18.
The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.
This applies equally to female crew.
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."
The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, Health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on working hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; So out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18.
The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.
This applies equally to female crew.
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."
Sep 13, 2013 15:20:20 #
Sounds about right for this pathetic apology for government.
Unfortunately, there seems to be no way to get rid of it and there is certainly not a better alternative to what we have been landed with.
Time we had a dictator to sort this countries problems out. :-)
Unfortunately, there seems to be no way to get rid of it and there is certainly not a better alternative to what we have been landed with.
Time we had a dictator to sort this countries problems out. :-)
Sep 13, 2013 15:22:03 #
Gee,Harper must be grtting all his "GREAT IDEAS' from across the pond.LOL
Sep 14, 2013 06:38:16 #
Terrymac wrote:
The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet ... (show quote)
Brilliant!
:lol: :lol:
Sep 14, 2013 06:50:38 #
Terrymac wrote:
The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet ... (show quote)
Are you sure the empty suit in our White House didn't have something to do with it? Sounds like something he'd do.
Sep 14, 2013 10:00:08 #
The Fat Engineer wrote:
Sounds about right for this pathetic apology for government.
Unfortunately, there seems to be no way to get rid of it and there is certainly not a better alternative to what we have been landed with.
Time we had a dictator to sort this countries problems out. :-)
Unfortunately, there seems to be no way to get rid of it and there is certainly not a better alternative to what we have been landed with.
Time we had a dictator to sort this countries problems out. :-)
Don't worry Fat Engineer,Dictator Salmond will soon be ruling you with an Iron fist
....LOL
Sep 14, 2013 10:02:56 #
Terrymac wrote:
The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet ... (show quote)
Sounds like thew navy I joined many moons ago, apart from the women,working hours,equal rights,sodomy. The rest was the Norm.
Sep 14, 2013 11:37:20 #
I think both of our Navies could grow some balls.
Terrymac wrote:
The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet ... (show quote)
Sep 14, 2013 15:26:20 #
That just about says everything about the state of the nation in this so called "enlightened" century. A brilliant piece of writing.
Sep 15, 2013 07:00:06 #
Robert-Y wrote:
Don't worry Fat Engineer,Dictator Salmond will soon be ruling you with an Iron fist
....LOL
....LOL
At least you know where you are with a used car salesman. :-)
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