A few laughs to wrap up my day....Graham
Feb 16, 2023 13:05:05 #
Some of these one-liners are very funny./......Enjoy
A woman was taking an afternoon nap.
When she woke up, she told her husband,"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it mean
s?""You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book
entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
--------
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip.
After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.
At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?
"Watson said, "I see millions of stars."Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"Watson replies,
"Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant.
Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?.
"Holmes retorts "Someone stole our tent."
-------------
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.
They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."
Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.
The wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
--------------------
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
---------
If I got 50p for every failed maths exam, I’d have £6.30 by now
--------
A wife is in the bathroom trying on a new dress. She comes out and says to her husband: ‘Does my bum look big in this?’
He says: ‘Oh be fair, love, it’s quite a small bathroom.’
--------------
We all know about Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
--------
A 50-year-old billionaire walks into a pub with his 25-year-old girlfriend.
His mate asked him how he managed to get a girl half his age. He replied, “I lied about my age.”
His friend asked,
“You told her you were 40?”
No said the billionaire, “I told her I was 90.”
----------
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
——————
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
------------
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, “Has my brother been in for a drink here today?”
------------
How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.
-----------
Why don’t ants ever get sick? Because they have little anty bodies.
----------------
My three favourite things are eating my family and not using commas.
----------------
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
---------------
People are usually shocked when they find out… I’m a bad electrician.
---------------
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.
--------------
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”
-----------
Will glass coffins be a success?
-------------
A man just assaulted me with a block of cheese and a pint of milk.- How dairy!
----------------
I just found out that I’m colour blind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Cheers and Beers .....Graham
A woman was taking an afternoon nap.
When she woke up, she told her husband,"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it mean
s?""You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book
entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
--------
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip.
After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.
At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?
"Watson said, "I see millions of stars."Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"Watson replies,
"Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant.
Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?.
"Holmes retorts "Someone stole our tent."
-------------
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.
They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."
Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.
The wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
--------------------
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
---------
If I got 50p for every failed maths exam, I’d have £6.30 by now
--------
A wife is in the bathroom trying on a new dress. She comes out and says to her husband: ‘Does my bum look big in this?’
He says: ‘Oh be fair, love, it’s quite a small bathroom.’
--------------
We all know about Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
--------
A 50-year-old billionaire walks into a pub with his 25-year-old girlfriend.
His mate asked him how he managed to get a girl half his age. He replied, “I lied about my age.”
His friend asked,
“You told her you were 40?”
No said the billionaire, “I told her I was 90.”
----------
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
——————
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
------------
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, “Has my brother been in for a drink here today?”
------------
How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.
-----------
Why don’t ants ever get sick? Because they have little anty bodies.
----------------
My three favourite things are eating my family and not using commas.
----------------
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
---------------
People are usually shocked when they find out… I’m a bad electrician.
---------------
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.
--------------
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”
-----------
Will glass coffins be a success?
-------------
A man just assaulted me with a block of cheese and a pint of milk.- How dairy!
----------------
I just found out that I’m colour blind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Cheers and Beers .....Graham
Feb 16, 2023 13:14:06 #
Graham Thirkill wrote:
Some of these one-liners are very funny./......Enj... (show quote)
😁😂🤣👍
Love them all
Feb 16, 2023 14:52:32 #
Feb 17, 2023 07:28:02 #
I don't know how it's possible, but you're stuff gets funnier every day. These are very witty.
Feb 17, 2023 07:34:08 #
Feb 17, 2023 07:51:49 #
Feb 17, 2023 08:05:56 #
Feb 17, 2023 08:17:10 #
samantha90 wrote:
Always enjoy the humor, Graham.
Always enjoy the humor, Graham.
Thanks for your comments Samantha, it's the only way I know if the folks like your good self
are enjoying the humour....C & B...GT
PS Dare I ask you!! if you liked the adult humour?.........I won't tell anyone if you say yes. (;-0)) (;-))
Feb 17, 2023 08:48:37 #
Feb 17, 2023 09:24:10 #
Theoretically the chicken crossed the road to prove to the Opossum that it could be done.
Feb 17, 2023 10:48:35 #
Great stuff! The Holmes joke was voted “Joke of the Year” a few years ago by whatever group makes those selections. It might be worth investigating.
Feb 17, 2023 12:35:41 #
Feb 18, 2023 19:29:23 #
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