Basic Laws
Jun 29, 2020 06:33:11 #
DIRTY HARRY
Loc: Hartland, Michigan
Basic Laws
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - I f you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). This goes for grocery stores too.
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - A t any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - A s soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - I f there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
F
-------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside & said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook & really good with the kids.'
--------------------- ----------------------------------
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher & calmly said, 'Well . . . she's there.
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - I f you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). This goes for grocery stores too.
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - A t any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - A s soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - I f there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
F
-------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside & said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook & really good with the kids.'
--------------------- ----------------------------------
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher & calmly said, 'Well . . . she's there.
Jun 29, 2020 06:41:32 #
Beautiful, Just beautiful!! Especially the last one. I once made a mistake like that at a Kmart in Rockford, IL.; the man had long hair and a fur lined parka, just like my ex wife! Life can be trying at times. Thankfully he was understanding.
Jun 29, 2020 07:04:24 #
Jun 29, 2020 07:04:54 #
Yes, all sad, but true. You left out the most common one, for me, anyway.
The Law of Lost items - If you buy a new item because you can't find your old one, the old one will turn up shortly after the new one arrives.
That's the story of my life. Last week, I was unable to find a VGA cable, so I ordered one from Amazon. Then I went out in the garage, and saw one immediately. Fortunately, I was able to cancel the order. On the plus side, when I have duplicates of things, it's easier to find one when I want it.
The Law of Lost items - If you buy a new item because you can't find your old one, the old one will turn up shortly after the new one arrives.
That's the story of my life. Last week, I was unable to find a VGA cable, so I ordered one from Amazon. Then I went out in the garage, and saw one immediately. Fortunately, I was able to cancel the order. On the plus side, when I have duplicates of things, it's easier to find one when I want it.
Jun 29, 2020 07:09:45 #
These are so true, especially number six. Never, under any circumstances, get behind me in a grocery checkout lane. You might be there for hours.
Jun 29, 2020 07:18:08 #
PaulBrit
Loc: Merlin, Southern Oregon
jerryc41 wrote:
Yes, all sad, but true. You left out the most com... (show quote)
Me too! It drives me crazy at times!
Jun 29, 2020 08:26:33 #
Here are a few I find to be true.
If you get down on your knees, in an empty grocer aisle, to look at an item (or read the price tag) someone else will always appear, out of nowhere, to look at the very same item.
If you try to drag something across the driveway, it will always snag or catch on something to prevent this. If you are holding onto a rope to prevent you from falling over a cliff, it will never snag on anything.
You will never find your eye glasses or tools where you know you left them.
When walking around without shoes, you will always find the one sticker embedded in a 12 by 12 foot carpet.
If, while laying in bed, you convince yourself you closed the garage door, it will always be open the next morning.
If you get down on your knees, in an empty grocer aisle, to look at an item (or read the price tag) someone else will always appear, out of nowhere, to look at the very same item.
If you try to drag something across the driveway, it will always snag or catch on something to prevent this. If you are holding onto a rope to prevent you from falling over a cliff, it will never snag on anything.
You will never find your eye glasses or tools where you know you left them.
When walking around without shoes, you will always find the one sticker embedded in a 12 by 12 foot carpet.
If, while laying in bed, you convince yourself you closed the garage door, it will always be open the next morning.
Jun 29, 2020 12:09:34 #
fjdarling
Loc: Mesa, Arizona, USA
The trick to finding something is to pretend you bought a new one, and think "where should I put this so I can definitely find it later?" When you go to that place, you'll find the item. It works nearly every time for me.
BTW, #6 has proved itself to me many times in the supermarket.
BTW, #6 has proved itself to me many times in the supermarket.
Jun 30, 2020 06:01:07 #
When you go to a supermarket in a new car and you park as far from the store as you can to protect your car, when you come back there will be two other cars parked on either side of yours.
Jun 30, 2020 07:47:29 #
Jun 30, 2020 09:17:04 #
Murphys Law: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is constant. The population is growing.
Jun 30, 2020 10:26:35 #
papajacknow20 wrote:
When you go to a supermarket in a new car and you park as far from the store as you can to protect your car, when you come back there will be two other cars parked on either side of yours.
Absolutely true (or there will be a grocery cart against the door)! I have tested this “law” many times and my only explanation is that automobiles get lonely and seek company
Jun 30, 2020 10:54:07 #
LoisCroft
Loc: Jonesborough, Tennessee
If you are on hold and want someone to answer, take a drink or eat something.
I can have something for many, many years and never have a use for it - until the day after I throw it away.
I can have something for many, many years and never have a use for it - until the day after I throw it away.
Jun 30, 2020 11:23:17 #
Liked 'em all.
But actually had that situation in the Pickles cartoon happen to me:
I was in a store with my wife one day, and she happened to be looking at a product, and some unknown woman came up to me and slapped me in the arm, "Where the hell have you been? I've been looking all over for you! ... Whoops!" and walks away. Wife turns around and and exclaims "How do you know HER?"
Can't win!
But actually had that situation in the Pickles cartoon happen to me:
I was in a store with my wife one day, and she happened to be looking at a product, and some unknown woman came up to me and slapped me in the arm, "Where the hell have you been? I've been looking all over for you! ... Whoops!" and walks away. Wife turns around and and exclaims "How do you know HER?"
Can't win!
Jun 30, 2020 11:25:53 #
jaycoffman
Loc: San Diego
Great collection--I really laughed MAO... I love the locker room one--when we were allowed to go to the Y this one never failed and it never failed to amuse all us old farts there. Have a funny day...
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