Graham Thirkill Loc: Idylic North Yorkshire, England UK.

Due to the recent threat of suspension, this is as far I can go. I know they aren't what we have been enjoying previously, but I can't do anything about it. I will do my best to get some more really funny stuff....Graham

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship." With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!" She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
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Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said: "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said: "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to take his friend's advice. The next day at the bar his friend said: "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling: "I'll be back in an hour!!"
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A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied: "I'm going to Las Vegas." He asked her why she was going. She told him: "I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free." He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch. His wife said: "And just where do you think you are going?" "I'm going to!" he replied. "Why?" she asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!"
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A man and a woman are having dinner in a restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight. Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice. Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." "No, he didn't," the woman calmly replies. "He just walked in the door."
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A small boy is separated from his father at a football match, so he goes up to a policeman and says, "I've lost my dad!" "What's he like?" the copper enquires. "Beer and loose women..."
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Two girlfriends are chatting. "Have you heard about the new husband shopping centre in town?" one asks. "It's a four-floor building where women can go to choose a husband from hundreds of eligible men. The only rule is, once you go up a floor, you can't go down, except to leave the place never to return. Let's try it out." So, the pair head off to the shopping centre. Climbing the stairs to the first floor, they find a sign on a door reading, "These men have jobs and love kids." "Well, that's better than not having a job or loving kids," says one, "but I wonder what's further up." On the second floor, they are greeted by a sign that says, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking."
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The ladies are tempted, but decide to go on. On the third floor, a sign says, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework." So, up they go to the fourth floor, where the sign on the door reads, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."
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****** "Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman. "No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having soix? with you."
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A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings.
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
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Q: What do you call a Norwegian prostitute?

A: A Fjord Escort
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A man takes a seat on an aeroplane. Settled in, he sees a strikingly beautiful woman boarding. To his delight, she takes the seat beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he says, "Business trip or holiday?" She smiles and says, "Business - the annual sex convention in New York." The man swallows hard.
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Struggling to maintain his composure, he asks, "What's your role at the convention then?" "Lecturer," she responds. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," the man says. "What myths are those?" "Well," the woman explains, "one popular myth is that African men are the best endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indians. Another misconception is that Frenchmen are the world's best lovers, when in fact men of Jewish descent are the best in bed. We have, however, found that the best overall lovers are the rednecks from South America." Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm really sorry," she says, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man says. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
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A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle. Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
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By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering. The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator. He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator's mouth. Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle. Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go. "Right!" shouts the biker, "any of you man enough to do that?" After a moment of silence a voice from the back says: "I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes."
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A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available. The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep. Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold." "OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard." Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold." The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket." Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night." "You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."

tramsey Loc: Texas

Niklon Loc: Athens, Ga

😂😂😂

Ed48 Loc: Superior, Wisconsin

Graham, with you around I will never quit laughing.

Ed48

PAR4DCR Loc: A Sunny Place

🤣🤣🤣

Don

Mark Sturtevant Loc: Grand Blanc, MI

Always good. I observe too that text-based adult jokes seem less censorious than cartoon ones. They seem to be ok.

Bridges Loc: Memphis, Charleston SC, now Nazareth PA

[quote=Graham Thirkill]Due to the recent threat of suspension, this is as far I can go. I know they aren't what we have been enjoying previously, but I can't do anything about it. I will do my best to get some more really funny stuff....Graham

Two girlfriends are chatting. "Have you heard about the new husband shopping centre in town?" one asks. "It's a four-floor building where women can go to choose a husband from hundreds of eligible men. The only rule is, once you go up a floor, you can't go down, except to leave the place never to return. Let's try it out." So, the pair head off to the shopping centre. Climbing the stairs to the first floor, they find a sign on a door reading, "These men have jobs and love kids." "Well, that's better than not having a job or loving kids," says one, "but I wonder what's further up." On the second floor, they are greeted by a sign that says, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking."
--------------------------------------------
The ladies are tempted, but decide to go on. On the third floor, a sign says, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework." So, up they go to the fourth floor, where the sign on the door reads, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."

The rich man that opened that store decided since it was quite successful he would also open one that would sell women. The rules were the same. Men would enter and find on the first floor a sign that reads "women that have money", on the next level up the sign reads, "women that have money and love sex". Floors three and four have never been visited.

singleshot Loc: Georgia