DeanS Loc: Capital City area of North Carolina

There are a few memorable lines from notable comedians that have stuck with me over the years. I will recount some of them below, but first, I want to propose an exercise that I hope many will participate in. Here’s the gig: I will post four that are among my fav lines from stand-up performers from the past. When you read these, I ask that you post a couple of your own. When the engine has run out of steam, I will endeavor to capture them and post a compendium of all of them so those interested can d/l and save for what-ever. In the interest of appealing to all, please post only “clean” lines, more like Sinbad and none of Steve Harvey, etc. Here goes:

Phyllis Diller, when asked why she referred to her husband as “Fang,” replied, “What would you call a man with one tooth!”

Steven Wright said that he didn’t want everything. “Where would I put it?”

Rita Rudner observed that when you mix flour and water, you get glue. Add sugar, you get cake. “Where did the glue go?”

Elaine Boozler, mocking a bunch of rowdy Type “A's”, observed that, “I don’t have any children, at least none that I know of!”

Let the guffaws begin!

DeanS

‘

SkyKing Loc: Thompson Ridge, NY

…Jeff Foxworthy…if you are doing 75mph and the speed limit is 55 mph and you are being passed by other cars…you must be living in upstate New York…!

usnret Loc: Woodhull Il

Phyllis Diller stated that she was an excellent house keeper; said every time she got divorced she kept the house!

Busbum Loc: 85367

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." - George Carlin

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her."--W.C. Fields

"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning...put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom." - Rodney Dangerfield

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."--Dean Martin

raymondh Loc: Walker, MI

RustyM

Rodney Dangerfield: I use to love to body surf, but I had to quit when Green Peace started towing me out to sea.

RustyM

Rodney Dangerfield: When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot…but I always found them.

skipwv Loc: West Virginia

Red Skelton’s “Clem Kadiddlehopper” watches a little green man land a flying saucer in a parking space. Alien looks at the parking meter, then turns to Clem and asks, “You got change for a hern?”

Canisdirus

Rodney D: I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Burtzy Loc: Bronx N.Y. & Simi Valley, CA

Rita Rudner: My husband and I decided to adopt. But we had a lousy lawyer. We ended up adopting a highway.

Rodney Dangerfield: My wife told me to take out the garbage. Then she told me to keep it company.

Ellen Degeneres: Walking is good for your health. My 69 year old grandmother began walking five miles a day. Next week she'll be ninety years old and we don't know here the hell she is.

JKlein

Louie Anderson: “My dad would always say to me ‘When Abe Lincoln was your age he was reading 5 books a week and walking 10 miles to school.’ And I’d say, ‘Yeah? When Abe Lincoln was your age… he was President.’”

Garry Shandling: “Went over to my friend’s house and their baby filled up his diaper. And the mom said ‘Oh look… Brandon made a present for daddy.’ And I thought, gee, this guy must be really easy to shop for on Fathers Day. Go ahead, you can open it now. I made it myself.”

Garry Shandling: “My dog was sleeping on the sofa and he started to twitch and growl. My friend said ‘He’s probably having a nightmare.’ And I wondered what would a dog have a nightmare about… he’s drinking out of the toilet and the lid falls on his head?’

Elaine Boosler: “Read an article in Cosmo that said ‘to look thinner, wear something that matches your furniture. If you have a red couch, wear a red dress.’ I almost killed myself… I have wicker furniture.”

David Letterman: “I used to live in a seedy neighborhood, right across the street from the Tattoo Spelling Error Correction Clinic. Guy walked in the other day, “Born to Raise Heel” on his arm.

David Letterman: “Saw an advertisement for a new dog food that helps if your dog is constipated. And I thought ‘Gee, why screw up a good thing?’”

Rodney Dangerfield: The other night my wife and I started getting romantic, but she had this far away look in her eyes. I asked, ‘Is there someone else?” She said, ‘There must be.’”

doxphoto Loc: Allentown, PA

Or the PA Turnpike!

ad9mac

Rodney Dangerfield. "I'm an Earth Sign, my wife is a Water Sign. Together we make mud."

ad9mac

Joan Rivers."I got an IUD last week. Every time I cross my legs the garage door goes up."

Stephan G

Henny Youngman: "Take my wife...........Please."

Same: "Came back from a pleasure trip. Drove my mother-in-law to the airport."

Again: "A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' 'No.' 'Alright, I'll mug you right here."'

A bit of advice from H. Y. : Youngman's advice to other entertainers was to nem di gelt (Yiddish for "take the money")

H. Y., for us oldsters: "A doctor gave his patient 6 months to live... but he couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months." (Nota Bene: "I was so broke. The doctor labelled my folder , "Methuselah!" --SG)