GlenBose Loc: NE Florida, formerly Limerick, PA

This is a paper I turned in for English writing some 45 years ago. It has somehow survived in computerized form from my earliest computer (?) to my current desktop computer. I thought someone might find it amusing to look into the mind of a member here. See also my 'Chicken Crossing The Road' nonsense, if you must (or even if you mustn't).




THE PRACTICAL IMPLICATIONS OF THE HAND
As long as time can remember, man has had an intimate relationship with his hand. Far be it from me to wish that mutuality to diminish. In fact, the use of the hand should indeed be constantly expanded. Consider, for example, the possibilities of eating with the hand. It is far superior to the fork by holding considerably more, thus shortening the time spent at the table. The possibility of tine scars on the cheeks and lips are gone, and the act of cutting food with a knife on the plate would no longer dull the blade. Grab the meat by the teeth and saw away (here though, the lips are in jeopardy, thus being deprived of giving lip service in the foreseeable future.) The hand is certainly much safer and easier to clean than sharp knives and pointy forks.

To explore the hand in all its glory, an examination of its components would be a logical place to start. The hand consists of three units: the fingers, thumb, and palm. The palm without the other two components is useless, except as a soup ladle or ping-pong paddle (although... see ‘card playing’ below). Therefore, we will first contrast the other two components.

Upon cursory examination, the thumb and fingers appear about the same. But, the thumb appears shorter and is hung sideways on the palm. The fingers extend themselves straight out from the upper edge of the palm. As ridiculous as the thumb may appear, flapping about on the side of the palm, as it does, it has made a name for itself in spite of its hierarchical position.

The thumb is an indispensable digit. Without the thumb, a good grasp of concepts could not be made. If the concept was unpleasant one could then thumb his nose at the thought. When the fingers approach the nose it is only to pick it, unless you're Santa Clause, in which case you would lay a finger aside your nose. Without the thumb, Little Jack Horner would have to stick his face in the pie to get a plum, and probably come up with nothing more than a blue nose, and the world has more than enough blue noses.

Consider telephones: the social and economic impact. Without fingers with which to dial, we could not connect with the other party. Without parties to give a thumbs up or down to, we would lack a social life. We also could not let our fingers do the walking when we buy gifts. If we do not give gifts, we’ll not receive gifts. The math is easy!

Without fingers we certainly could not tell which way the wind blows, which seems to suggest there are many more politicians without fingers than commonly thought.

If we had a breakdown in our automobile we would be hard pressed to put our finger on the problem. After a breakdown, hitchhiking, for men, would present a hardship. For whatever they would stick out to catch a ride to the repair shop would attract mostly police.

Thumbs play an important role in gangster land. Without a thumb to keep a politician under, gambling would be outlawed, but the trade off is the office holder would have an easier time fingering the evil doer.

Playing cards without fingers would not allow us the questionable pleasure of fingering our cards. We would have to palm them instead, which, in most states, will get you a good clout in the head.

It is apparent, the fingers, thumb and palm are indispensable to each other. And, after reviewing this paper the question seems academic, which is the reason for this composition in the first place.