IDIOSYNCRASIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Feb 2, 2018 17:52:52 #
hankm1
Loc: Mount Prospect IL
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,
AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY
DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE
KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,
"WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME,
IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
8. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM.
9. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
10. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED
ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
11. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
12. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
13. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID
SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
14. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
15. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
16. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
17. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
18. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
21. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
22. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
31. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
32. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY'? THE
DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND.
AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY
DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE
KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,
"WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME,
IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
8. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM.
9. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
10. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED
ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
11. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
12. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
13. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID
SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
14. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
15. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
16. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
17. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
18. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
21. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
22. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
31. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
32. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY'? THE
DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND.
Feb 2, 2018 17:56:12 #
Feb 3, 2018 04:37:52 #
Feb 3, 2018 11:30:10 #
Feb 3, 2018 11:45:15 #
Feb 3, 2018 12:18:41 #
hankm1
Loc: Mount Prospect IL
Have had only half the nirmal snowfall so far this year, but a lot colder. Gonna make up for the snow shortage this coming week! Ratz!!
Feb 4, 2018 00:55:28 #
While these are good, at least a couple of them have perfectly reasonable answers. (#17 & #32)
Feb 10, 2018 22:38:26 #
Feb 10, 2018 22:56:40 #
Hey Hank - I went to school and worked for several years not too far from you. Now, even though I bitch and moan, settled down and living in northern New England after Uncle stationed me in Bean-town for several years. When I first took my wife out there, I had always explained that Chicago was just Boston, only *much* larger. Now, she still has her Boston accent, and while we were waiting for the grandson to pick us up, we went to get an adult beverage. Barkeep goes "hey, you guys aren't from here - sounds like Boston!?!" Couldn't deny it, y'know, Haavad Yaad, and all that. Barkeep's response: "Love that place. Was there once. It's sort of like a "miniature Chicago"!
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