Church Jokes
Aug 17, 2015 15:09:24 #
The Church Lady
The lady was a southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday school every week.
One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in
the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said: "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What ever would I tell my Sunday school class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked: "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday school class if I did !"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with: "Ahhh, how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible
lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.
He looked at the lovely dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?"
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday school class?"
The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
Satan
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except BILL CLINTON who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to Bill and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The Clinton replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the calm as a clam Clinton.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned Bill, in an even tone. Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity? persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said Bill. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' Bill Clinton calmly replied..
'Been married to your sister for over 30 years.'
Baptizing an Irishman
An Irishman was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeded into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turned around and was almost overcome by the smell
of alcohol, whereupon, he asked the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts,"Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabbed him and dunked him into the water. He pulled him back up and asked, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replied,"No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunked him again but for a
little longer. He again pulled him out of the water and asked, "Have you found Jesus, brother?"
The drunk answered, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher was at his wits end and dunked the drunk again; but this time held him down for about 30 seconds, and when he began kicking his arms and legs about, he pulled him up. The preacher again asked the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggered upright, wiped his eyes, coughed up a bit of water, caught his breath, and asked the preacher, "Are you sure this is where He fell in?
The lady was a southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday school every week.
One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in
the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said: "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What ever would I tell my Sunday school class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked: "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday school class if I did !"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with: "Ahhh, how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible
lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.
He looked at the lovely dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?"
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday school class?"
The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
Satan
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except BILL CLINTON who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to Bill and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The Clinton replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the calm as a clam Clinton.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned Bill, in an even tone. Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity? persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said Bill. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' Bill Clinton calmly replied..
'Been married to your sister for over 30 years.'
Baptizing an Irishman
An Irishman was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeded into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turned around and was almost overcome by the smell
of alcohol, whereupon, he asked the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts,"Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabbed him and dunked him into the water. He pulled him back up and asked, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replied,"No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunked him again but for a
little longer. He again pulled him out of the water and asked, "Have you found Jesus, brother?"
The drunk answered, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher was at his wits end and dunked the drunk again; but this time held him down for about 30 seconds, and when he began kicking his arms and legs about, he pulled him up. The preacher again asked the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggered upright, wiped his eyes, coughed up a bit of water, caught his breath, and asked the preacher, "Are you sure this is where He fell in?
Aug 17, 2015 15:28:09 #
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