Crwiwy Loc: Devon UK

I got some new aftershave today that smells like bread crumbs, the birds love it!

David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says ‘why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets!

The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought what a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.

I looked at a pack of frozen fish today and there was a warning that it may contain fish - really, wow, lucky you told me!! (This one is true!)

Big Stopper Loc: London

Enjoyed those, some good laughs there. :thumbup:

johneccles Loc: Leyland UK

Excellent, certainly brought a smile to my face, some of these one liners will be lost on our US friends though.

Ka2azman Loc: Tucson, Az

Good ones. Especially 2 and 7.
Reminds me of (forget who stated this) Why push 1 to be connected to an English speaking person, only to be connected to a foreigner who you can't understand anyway.

kschwegl Loc: Orangeburg, NY

You are right! Took me a while to realize what "birds" meant!.
Ken S.

randave2001 Loc: Richmond

OK, I assume Allied Carpets is a British brand or chain so kinda get that one, but what is a right bollicking? And is there a mate to it called a left bollicking?

Crwiwy Loc: Devon UK

v. Bollocking, when one is lectured, criticised or reprimanded. When one receives things Bollocking they have just been bollocked. Alternatively bollocked is used to describe a high state of inebriation.
"You're gonna get a bollocking my son"
"He just bollocked me!"
"I am completely bollocked"

Bollocking
A harsh punishment for something you've done.
In the words of James May as his blimp flies into restricted airspace:

"I may be about to get a collosal aviation bollocking"

Source;
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Bollocking

bemused_bystander Loc: Orkney Islands, UK

I like the bags of peanuts that say "may contain nuts"

But, to be pedantic, peanuts are a legume, not a nut.