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Irish jokes
Feb 23, 2014 14:24:15 #
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even home yesterday."
Paddy & Mick find 3 grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND." Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.Cop says "For godÂ’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet."What the hell you doing?" he asks."Hanging myself" Paddy replies."It should be around your neck" says the guard."I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantlepiece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.
Slaney phoned the hospital maternity ward. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
Paddy & Mick find 3 grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND." Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.Cop says "For godÂ’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet."What the hell you doing?" he asks."Hanging myself" Paddy replies."It should be around your neck" says the guard."I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantlepiece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.
Slaney phoned the hospital maternity ward. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
Feb 23, 2014 16:33:31 #
Feb 23, 2014 17:59:03 #
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Feb 24, 2014 02:27:56 #
Feb 24, 2014 09:09:36 #
two Irishmen and an American were walking down the street. the Irishmen walked into a bar. The American ducked under it.
did you hear about the Irishman walking by the pub? could happen.
did you hear about the Irishman walking by the pub? could happen.
Feb 24, 2014 09:11:52 #
Feb 24, 2014 09:13:31 #
Feb 24, 2014 17:20:37 #
An Irishman always stops for two drinks. The first one and the last one.
Feb 25, 2014 04:12:55 #
Whys' everyone picking on we Irish, I'll be having ya know 'em Irish and represent all those inclinations 'bout drinking too much. I always know just how much I can drink, me only problem is that I tends to end up inclining on the nearest curb afore I reach me last one of the two I went in four, ah for.Why else would I be up at 4 in da morning singing Irish drinking songs.
Pati O'furniture, Oh, oh, now I get it, hey heres' a toast to ya all. 'n Doddy yer a fault for this.
Pati O'furniture, Oh, oh, now I get it, hey heres' a toast to ya all. 'n Doddy yer a fault for this.
Feb 25, 2014 06:04:36 #
Jelliott
Loc: Port Orchard, WA
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery"
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?";
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to piss."
arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery"
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?";
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to piss."
Feb 25, 2014 07:29:33 #
mccampbell60 wrote:
Whys' everyone picking on we Irish, I'll be having ya know 'em Irish and represent all those inclinations 'bout drinking too much. I always know just how much I can drink, me only problem is that I tends to end up inclining on the nearest curb afore I reach me last one of the two I went in four, ah for.Why else would I be up at 4 in da morning singing Irish drinking songs.
Pati O'furniture, Oh, oh, now I get it, hey heres' a toast to ya all. 'n Doddy yer a fault for this.
Pati O'furniture, Oh, oh, now I get it, hey heres' a toast to ya all. 'n Doddy yer a fault for this.
Lol...no it's the fault of my Irish mate Mick Mullery who sent me this!!
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Feb 25, 2014 07:31:05 #
Jelliott wrote:
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, w... (show quote)
LOL..That's better than mine Jelliot.
Feb 26, 2014 02:55:34 #
I love racist jokes!
How do you confuse an Irishman? Put a shovel and a fork against a wall, and tell him to take his pick.
You heard about Paddy who wanted to be buried at sea? 24 Irishmen were drowned digging his grave.
Then Paddy wanted to take his car in for a service, but he couldn't get it up the Church steps.
He then drove it into a river, because someone told him to dip his lights.
This same Paddy was given the task by the IRA to blow up someone's car, but he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
It takes 100 Irishmen to put a screw into a wall - one to hold the screw, one to hold the screw driver, and 98 to turn the wall.
It also takes 100 Californians to change a light bulb - one to hold the bulb and 99 to share the experience.
Keep them coming!
As an Englishman I now await some jokes about the English!
For I myself have said it
And it's greatly to my credit
I am an English man...........
In spite of all temptations
To belong to other nations
I remain an Englishman.......
(Gilbert & Sullivan)
How do you confuse an Irishman? Put a shovel and a fork against a wall, and tell him to take his pick.
You heard about Paddy who wanted to be buried at sea? 24 Irishmen were drowned digging his grave.
Then Paddy wanted to take his car in for a service, but he couldn't get it up the Church steps.
He then drove it into a river, because someone told him to dip his lights.
This same Paddy was given the task by the IRA to blow up someone's car, but he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
It takes 100 Irishmen to put a screw into a wall - one to hold the screw, one to hold the screw driver, and 98 to turn the wall.
It also takes 100 Californians to change a light bulb - one to hold the bulb and 99 to share the experience.
Keep them coming!
As an Englishman I now await some jokes about the English!
For I myself have said it
And it's greatly to my credit
I am an English man...........
In spite of all temptations
To belong to other nations
I remain an Englishman.......
(Gilbert & Sullivan)
Feb 26, 2014 03:50:28 #
Feb 26, 2014 12:57:25 #
I know we Irish are no different than others, other than the dress wearing, intestine blowing and eating Scots, but for your info we are not a race on to our selves. We are Caucasians just like the Greeks, French, Italian, Mid-Easterners and a whole lot of other fine folks, and just as good and no better than the rest of the people of other races, only we like to make to fun of ourselves and half time we don't even know the funny discounting things other say of us from the bloody truth. Maybe someday we, that is all of us, will see our selves as all humans of equal value even when we are not very human acting. Than we will have to find someone else or something else to humiliate and discount, oh, I guess we do that all already, did you hear about the drunken walrus who flopped out of the bar...
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