Received this from an e-mail buddy.

English language


1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .


3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.


5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'


13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran..

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

This made me laugh. "You can extend the range of your key fob by holding it against your chin. The fluids in your head act as a conductor, and your body becomes part of the antenna."

Is that something you really want to do? Send a signal into your head and then relay it to your car? That's a good scene for a comedy. What could go wrong? 🤣

I can see some Darwin Award candidate trying to power other devices with his head. "Because of the extensive damage to his head, not even dental records were able to identify him."

The average burglar is not capable of breaking into a floor safe in 15 minutes. That would be an accomplished burglar who would have specialized tools, like a torch! Your average house thief breaks in and goes through the home in 10 minutes grabbing easily pilfered items, like jewelry or lockboxes. I totally agree with you that a handgun is most effective on your person, but there are occasions when you can't do that and if you haven't invested in a safe then a lockbox has to do. If so it should be tethered to something solid.