Posts for: Graham Thirkill
Jan 3, 2024 13:28:41 #
I wasn't a policeman but I was a Prison Officer for five years, back in the 60's and 70's.
Graham Thirkill
Graham Thirkill
Jan 3, 2024 11:04:23 #
I hope, all my friends on here and there are a lot of them, too many to name but they know who they are, had a very special wonderful Christmas. I want to wish you all a very happy, prosperous, peaceful new year.
I was very surprised I received a Private Message from UHH. I thought I would return a message in the form of a
post, in General Chit-chat. Two or three weeks ago, I was informed by a UHH friend that my name had been mentioned, referring to my leaving the forum. The usual suspects you probably guess who they are were still moaning and criticising my efforts to make people laugh. If I did return the same people would start up again and spoil my pleasure, so it's not going to happen again. I had quite a few private messages telling me that there was nothing lewd on my posts and it was just normal adult humour.
The last two and a half years have been wonderful for my family. We have had three gandchildren born. Two girls
and a boy. The caption reads my son Graham II, with his little girl called Ariana. The laughing little toddler is my sons first daughter Phoebe, Ariana's sister. I'm holding Freddie, the first child for my youngest daughter.
I was very surprised I received a Private Message from UHH. I thought I would return a message in the form of a
post, in General Chit-chat. Two or three weeks ago, I was informed by a UHH friend that my name had been mentioned, referring to my leaving the forum. The usual suspects you probably guess who they are were still moaning and criticising my efforts to make people laugh. If I did return the same people would start up again and spoil my pleasure, so it's not going to happen again. I had quite a few private messages telling me that there was nothing lewd on my posts and it was just normal adult humour.
The last two and a half years have been wonderful for my family. We have had three gandchildren born. Two girls
and a boy. The caption reads my son Graham II, with his little girl called Ariana. The laughing little toddler is my sons first daughter Phoebe, Ariana's sister. I'm holding Freddie, the first child for my youngest daughter.
Mar 3, 2023 17:04:41 #
I have had Three Threatening Private Messages from the Admin bloke today. It appears to me, he has more time for the Prudes, Whingers, Moaners etc etc etc, than us normal broad-minded people. The adult jokes that I started
posting when I first came back on here went great. You good people liked them so much to the amazing tune of
over two-hundred-thousand views. There was just a handful of prudes, kill-joys whatever they are, that posted their pathetic complaints one of them accused me of posting lewd jokes. Anyhow thanks to the admin bloke favouring the handful, I have had enough of him/. I am not enjoying now, like what we had almost three weeks of laughter.
If the ownership changes let me know. I have had a good time with you all and got to know quite a lot of you. Thanks for all your comments and friendship. I have laughed as much, at some of your replies as you have at the jokes.
Cheers and Beers Graham...098............ If you wonder what the 098 stands for it to was the last three digits of my Army number. I served in the Territorial Army from 1958 until 1962.
Enjoy these, there are some really funny ones
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I'll go on ahead.
Where do pirates get their hooks? Secondhand stores.
Knock knock. Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm only joking!
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.
What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
Knock knock. Who's there? Adore. Adore who? Adore is between us, so please open up.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
What do horses say when they fall? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.
If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?
Knock knock. Who's there? Candice. Candice who? Candice joke get any worse?
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
What runs but never goes anywhere? A refrigerator.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.
What did the cucumber say to the pickle? You mean a great dill to me.
Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Iva. Iva who? I’ve a sore hand from knocking.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
Why can’t you trust duck doctors? They’re all quacks.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s pretty heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
What do you call a ghost's sweetheart? A ghoul-friend.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
A termite walks into the bar and asks, ”Is the bar tender here?”
Why are the Irish so wealthy? Because their capital is always Dublin.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cher. Cher who? Cher would be nice if you opened the door.
What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.
Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
I just flew into town and my arms are so tired.
How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
I always wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wa. Wa who? What are you so excited about?
Never buy anything with Velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? He's a fungi.
I'm on a seafood diet: When I see food, I eat it.
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
What did the snail riding on the turtle's back say? Wheeeeee!
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?
How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!
Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the moo-vies.
Why don't lobsters like to share? They're shellfish.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
What do you call a shoe made from a banana? A slipper.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Why couldn't the pony talk? Because she was just a little hoarse.
What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe.
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear.
What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie was everywhere.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ida. Ida who? I think it’s pronounced Idaho.
What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth pics.
What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.
The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.
What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.
Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon.
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.
What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it.
How do you open a banana? With a mon-key.
How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.
Why did the robber jump in the shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.
What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college? Bison.
Why did the cookie go to the nurse? Because he felt crumby.
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.
Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
Why did the student eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
posting when I first came back on here went great. You good people liked them so much to the amazing tune of
over two-hundred-thousand views. There was just a handful of prudes, kill-joys whatever they are, that posted their pathetic complaints one of them accused me of posting lewd jokes. Anyhow thanks to the admin bloke favouring the handful, I have had enough of him/. I am not enjoying now, like what we had almost three weeks of laughter.
If the ownership changes let me know. I have had a good time with you all and got to know quite a lot of you. Thanks for all your comments and friendship. I have laughed as much, at some of your replies as you have at the jokes.
Cheers and Beers Graham...098............ If you wonder what the 098 stands for it to was the last three digits of my Army number. I served in the Territorial Army from 1958 until 1962.
Enjoy these, there are some really funny ones
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I'll go on ahead.
Where do pirates get their hooks? Secondhand stores.
Knock knock. Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm only joking!
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.
What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
Knock knock. Who's there? Adore. Adore who? Adore is between us, so please open up.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
What do horses say when they fall? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.
If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?
Knock knock. Who's there? Candice. Candice who? Candice joke get any worse?
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
What runs but never goes anywhere? A refrigerator.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.
What did the cucumber say to the pickle? You mean a great dill to me.
Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Iva. Iva who? I’ve a sore hand from knocking.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
Why can’t you trust duck doctors? They’re all quacks.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s pretty heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
What do you call a ghost's sweetheart? A ghoul-friend.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
A termite walks into the bar and asks, ”Is the bar tender here?”
Why are the Irish so wealthy? Because their capital is always Dublin.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cher. Cher who? Cher would be nice if you opened the door.
What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.
Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
I just flew into town and my arms are so tired.
How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
I always wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wa. Wa who? What are you so excited about?
Never buy anything with Velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? He's a fungi.
I'm on a seafood diet: When I see food, I eat it.
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
What did the snail riding on the turtle's back say? Wheeeeee!
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?
How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!
Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the moo-vies.
Why don't lobsters like to share? They're shellfish.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
What do you call a shoe made from a banana? A slipper.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Why couldn't the pony talk? Because she was just a little hoarse.
What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe.
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear.
What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie was everywhere.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ida. Ida who? I think it’s pronounced Idaho.
What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth pics.
What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.
The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.
What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.
Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon.
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.
What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it.
How do you open a banana? With a mon-key.
How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.
Why did the robber jump in the shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.
What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college? Bison.
Why did the cookie go to the nurse? Because he felt crumby.
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.
Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
Why did the student eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
Mar 3, 2023 15:25:06 #
25 of Spike Milligan’s wittiest jokes and one-liners
Genius, they say, is next to madness. Never was this saying truer than with Spike Milligan.
What appeals to me about Spike Milligan's
style is imagination in creating surreal images. I cannot think of another comedian who produced such a stream of original material.
"My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."
After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
--------
Spike Milligan and the Goons
One reason that Spike Milligan is revered by Englishmen of a certain age is that Radio was Spike's
best medium. As a boy back in the 1950's
radio was all we
had, there was no TV. In those days the goon show had us spellbound in a way that Harry Potter captivates the current generation. To tell the truth back then, I did not think of Spike Milligan but
only of the characters he brought to life: Eccles, Fred Fu Manchu, and
Bowser. Later I discovered that it was Peter Sellers who played Bloodnok, Bluebottle and Henry Crun, while Harry Secombe played Neddie Seagoon. Even later I discovered that other characters were
played by all manner of people; two of note were Michael Bentine and surprisingly, Ray Ellington.
Jokes from the Goon Show
Bloodnok:
I'll turn a deaf ear.
Seagoon: I didn't
know you had a deaf ear.
Bloodnok: Yes, I found it on the floor of a barber's
shop.
Seagoon: We've come to disconnect your phone.
The Red Bladder: I haven't
got one.
Seagoon: Don't
worry, We've brought one with us.
Seagoon: Any cases of frozen feet?
Eccles: You didn't
order any cases of frozen feet!
Seagoon: For an hour we ran in French, which I ran fluently.
At a distance of 50 years, it's
hard to express how the goons buffoonery became a cult of the era. To give one example, with the nonsense song Ying tong Spike Milligan reached number 3 in the hit parade in September 1956.
As then, once you read the verse a few times you cannot get it out of your mind.
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i
po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po.
Yiiiing, tongy tongy tongy, yiddy diddy diddy da doh, ying diddy,
Ying tong diddle, yiddledy boo,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po, oh!
Spike Milligan's Irreverence
Comedians
are notorious for gently taking the Mickey out of politicians and any other dignitaries that they meet. Perhaps the incident which best sums up Spike
Milligan's
irreverence and ability to shock was when in 1994 he called the Prince of Wales, 'a grovelling little bastard'. However, while the phrase is widely quoted, it does require context. The Prince of
Wales had been a Goon fan since childhood, Spike Milligan and Prince Charles first met in 1969. The quip was in response to a letter that the Prince of Wales wrote congratulating Spike
on his lifetime comedy award. Nevertheless, it was a shocking thing to say live on stage.
More Spike Milligan Jokes
Spike Milligan: 'How are you at Mathematics?'
Harry Secombe: 'I speak it like a native'.
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
All men are cremated equal.
Apéritif:: French for a set of dentures.
Sad Hamlet to Ophelia: 'I'll do a sketch of thee, what kind of pencil shall I use?
2B, or not 2B?'
I turned and rubbed my hands with glee. I always keep a tin of glee handy.
Spike: there's only one cure for seasickness
Somebody: what's that?
Spike: climb a tree.
Spike Milligan Epitaph - 'I told you I was ill'
Perry Gamsby reminded us of this great excerpt from the Goon Show
Eccles: 'Quick, hide behind this pane of glass!'
Seagoon: 'But you can see through it!'
Eccles: 'Not if you close your eyes!'
Seagoon: 'You're right!'
----------
Footnote:
Eccles was played by Spike himself, and Neddie Seagoon was played by
Harry Secombe
-----
Parkinson: 'Spike Milligan, welcome to the show.'
Spike (Face like thunder) : 'I've got a complaint.'
Parkinson (Warily) : 'What is it?'
Spike: 'Leprosy.'
“How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.”
“And God said, ‘Let there be light’, and there was light, but the electricity board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.”
“I’m a hero with coward’s legs.”
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.”
“The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.”
“I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.”
“Money couldn’t buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.”
---------------
Taken from an early Goons episode of 1951, the gag centred around a man telephoning for help after discovering a body. It plays out as follows:
Michael Bentine: “I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.”
Peter Sellers: “Oh, is he dead?”
Bentine: “I think so.”
Sellers: “Hadn’t you better make sure?”
Bentine: “All right. Just a minute.”
Sound of two gun shots.
Bentine: “He’s dead.”
Genius, they say, is next to madness. Never was this saying truer than with Spike Milligan.
What appeals to me about Spike Milligan's
style is imagination in creating surreal images. I cannot think of another comedian who produced such a stream of original material.
"My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."
After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
--------
Spike Milligan and the Goons
One reason that Spike Milligan is revered by Englishmen of a certain age is that Radio was Spike's
best medium. As a boy back in the 1950's
radio was all we
had, there was no TV. In those days the goon show had us spellbound in a way that Harry Potter captivates the current generation. To tell the truth back then, I did not think of Spike Milligan but
only of the characters he brought to life: Eccles, Fred Fu Manchu, and
Bowser. Later I discovered that it was Peter Sellers who played Bloodnok, Bluebottle and Henry Crun, while Harry Secombe played Neddie Seagoon. Even later I discovered that other characters were
played by all manner of people; two of note were Michael Bentine and surprisingly, Ray Ellington.
Jokes from the Goon Show
Bloodnok:
I'll turn a deaf ear.
Seagoon: I didn't
know you had a deaf ear.
Bloodnok: Yes, I found it on the floor of a barber's
shop.
Seagoon: We've come to disconnect your phone.
The Red Bladder: I haven't
got one.
Seagoon: Don't
worry, We've brought one with us.
Seagoon: Any cases of frozen feet?
Eccles: You didn't
order any cases of frozen feet!
Seagoon: For an hour we ran in French, which I ran fluently.
At a distance of 50 years, it's
hard to express how the goons buffoonery became a cult of the era. To give one example, with the nonsense song Ying tong Spike Milligan reached number 3 in the hit parade in September 1956.
As then, once you read the verse a few times you cannot get it out of your mind.
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i
po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po.
Yiiiing, tongy tongy tongy, yiddy diddy diddy da doh, ying diddy,
Ying tong diddle, yiddledy boo,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po, oh!
Spike Milligan's Irreverence
Comedians
are notorious for gently taking the Mickey out of politicians and any other dignitaries that they meet. Perhaps the incident which best sums up Spike
Milligan's
irreverence and ability to shock was when in 1994 he called the Prince of Wales, 'a grovelling little bastard'. However, while the phrase is widely quoted, it does require context. The Prince of
Wales had been a Goon fan since childhood, Spike Milligan and Prince Charles first met in 1969. The quip was in response to a letter that the Prince of Wales wrote congratulating Spike
on his lifetime comedy award. Nevertheless, it was a shocking thing to say live on stage.
More Spike Milligan Jokes
Spike Milligan: 'How are you at Mathematics?'
Harry Secombe: 'I speak it like a native'.
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
All men are cremated equal.
Apéritif:: French for a set of dentures.
Sad Hamlet to Ophelia: 'I'll do a sketch of thee, what kind of pencil shall I use?
2B, or not 2B?'
I turned and rubbed my hands with glee. I always keep a tin of glee handy.
Spike: there's only one cure for seasickness
Somebody: what's that?
Spike: climb a tree.
Spike Milligan Epitaph - 'I told you I was ill'
Perry Gamsby reminded us of this great excerpt from the Goon Show
Eccles: 'Quick, hide behind this pane of glass!'
Seagoon: 'But you can see through it!'
Eccles: 'Not if you close your eyes!'
Seagoon: 'You're right!'
----------
Footnote:
Eccles was played by Spike himself, and Neddie Seagoon was played by
Harry Secombe
-----
Parkinson: 'Spike Milligan, welcome to the show.'
Spike (Face like thunder) : 'I've got a complaint.'
Parkinson (Warily) : 'What is it?'
Spike: 'Leprosy.'
“How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.”
“And God said, ‘Let there be light’, and there was light, but the electricity board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.”
“I’m a hero with coward’s legs.”
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.”
“The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.”
“I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.”
“Money couldn’t buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.”
---------------
Taken from an early Goons episode of 1951, the gag centred around a man telephoning for help after discovering a body. It plays out as follows:
Michael Bentine: “I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.”
Peter Sellers: “Oh, is he dead?”
Bentine: “I think so.”
Sellers: “Hadn’t you better make sure?”
Bentine: “All right. Just a minute.”
Sound of two gun shots.
Bentine: “He’s dead.”
Mar 3, 2023 09:39:43 #
JFCoupe wrote:
This one really stretches the limit. No one likes getting stopped by police but we should respect the job they are asked to do. Just my opinion.
I feel sure the cops can laugh at themselves. They are certainly not perfect...
C&B-G
Mar 3, 2023 09:06:05 #
Rectum Stretcher
A woman was speeding down a highway in her car. While driving she passes a cop with a radar gun waiting patiently.
The policeman chases after her.
The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where is the emergency?"
She answers, "I'm late for work!"
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she replies.
The policeman asks,
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
"And just what do you do with a 6 foot butthole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and put him on the highway"
C&B-G
A woman was speeding down a highway in her car. While driving she passes a cop with a radar gun waiting patiently.
The policeman chases after her.
The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where is the emergency?"
She answers, "I'm late for work!"
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she replies.
The policeman asks,
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
"And just what do you do with a 6 foot butthole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and put him on the highway"
C&B-G
Mar 3, 2023 08:59:05 #
Isn't social media amazing at times. A Funny joke started off a technical discussion about electronics referring to automobile lights.
C&B-G
C&B-G
Mar 3, 2023 08:47:27 #
SuperflyTNT wrote:
You should expect that any time you post about something like c*****e c****e the discussion is ultimately going to get political, even if the initial post wasn’t.
Wouldn't it be more fair to just delete the abusive posts. Graham
Mar 3, 2023 08:43:33 #
Ava'sPapa wrote:
I'm glad that I got to see it and "copy" it before it was relegated to the "Attic". I figured that it might end up "there". I went up "there" a few times but that was enough. Too much sniping...I don't need it. I'd rather laugh at your jokes, Graham.
That is why I detest the attic, if you say anything they don't agree with, you get blasted with d********g
abuse and insults. I got "involved" up there a few times.........Never Ever Again....Graham
Mar 3, 2023 08:32:58 #
Mr palmer wrote:
It looks like you have clipped the highlights of the first joke. If you post the raw version, I'm sure some valiant soul will process it through 20 glorious (and highly detailed) steps that will show you why jpeg is adequate for most everything we can distinguish at normal viewing.
Mr Palmer I think you have posted on the wrong thread/topic whatever???
C&B-G
Mar 3, 2023 08:28:13 #
PoppieJ wrote:
hope you dont mind if i pass few on
Of course I don't mind Poppie, I am pleased you like them/./../.
C&B-G
Mar 3, 2023 08:24:01 #
Ava'sPapa wrote:
You're to be congratulated for finding all of these jokes, Graham. You do a lot of home "prep". Thank you for starting my days off with a chuckle...if not a full blown laugh!
I do it for good, grateful people like your Goodself..
C&B-G
Mar 3, 2023 08:20:08 #
junglejim1949 wrote:
I enjoy your posts Graham
This is from quite along time ago, it's not recently....
C&B-G
Mar 3, 2023 08:15:43 #
Ava'sPapa wrote:
Graham, is that Mini right or left hand drive? How much and do you deliver?
At the top this page there's photograph of it, as you can see it is a left hand drive. Graham...
Mar 3, 2023 05:38:16 #
A few more smiles to take us to the week-end./..
C&B-G
C&B-G
