charles tabb Loc: Richmond VA.

Three scenarios



1. The Jewish ELBOW

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
"What . . . . You're coming empty handed?"
______________________________ __________

2. Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
______________________________ ______

3. Irish Blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching"

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men!
______________________________ ____________

markngolf Loc: Bridgewater, NJ

Terrific, Charles!!! An ecumenical collection!!
Thanks for the laughter!
Mark

charles tabb Loc: Richmond VA.

Mark.... You are a great guy...….

markngolf Loc: Bridgewater, NJ

Thanks, Charles! I return the compliment!
Mark

lsaguy Loc: Udall, KS, USA

A gorgeous blonde walks into a large, uptown bank and asks to see the manager.
"I'm going on a trip and I want to borrow $4,000 for two weeks", she tells him. "I'll be using my Mercedes as collateral, it's next to the guards office in your garage", as she hands him the keys.
"Certainly, madame", the manager says, "Just fill out these forms".
Two weeks later she returns to the bank.
"I want to pay my loan" she tells the clerk.
The manager comes over to the booth and escorts her to his desk.
"That will be $4,132", he tells her.
"Fine", she says and writes out the check.
"If you don't mind", the manager says, "Why did you take out a loan? When we checked your credit rating it was obvious you're very wealthy".
"Well", she replies, "If you can tell me where I can get two weeks of guarded, indoor parking for $132 I'll go there next time".

markngolf Loc: Bridgewater, NJ

Mark

jerryc41 Loc: Catskill Mts of NY

Good ones.

Bridges Loc: Memphis, Charleston SC, now Nazareth PA

Reminds me of the businessman who had to go to a monthly meeting in Manhattan once a month. He scheduled an oil change at one of the downtown garages. He not only got to park in downtown Manhattan for only 26.95 for a whole day but got an oil change to boot!

JeffDavidson Loc: Originally Detroit Now Los Angeles

Good collection.

Vince68 Loc: Wappingers Falls, NY

Good one Charles.