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Oct 13, 2015 08:16:38   #
Bobbee
 
Two things, my personal EMAIL is nothing but ANYTHING that will make you laugh. I have a lot of people come and go on my EMAIL because of my jokes, Both Welcome and good riddance.

Second, you should have waited for the very next April 1 to come around and totally made that asshole the brut of the day. Maybe he would quit!!!

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Oct 13, 2015 08:21:07   #
ruffy Loc: Metairie, LA
 
quixdraw wrote:
When I was growing up, and through a good part of my business career, joke telling was an appreciated and valued skill. My Dad was quite a master. I can recall dinner guests laughing so hard that they couldn't take a breath. Though I never had his skill, I have always enjoyed jokes and telling jokes. All of a sudden the universe changed, and we began to become "the nation of the eternally offended" with sensitivity to virtually everything. I was standing with some work friends at a business meeting reception, all of us with drink in hand, telling jokes. An individual walked over to the corner where we were standing and joined the group, then announced that our jokes were offensive, but made no move to leave. We were amazed. Sure enough, pretty soon there were darn few jokes told at business affairs, and then, only among close friends in private.
I was delighted to find a steady flow of jokes on this site -- I suppose it is member age and demographics, but it is a most enjoyable flashback to freer days. I told one of my joke telling business buddies (who hasn't retired yet) that I had hit the Mother Lode and have been sending him a selection of the best jokes harvested from the Hedgehog every week. Many thanks to you who post them -- I suspect I am not the only one who passes them on. You have a broader audience than you know and are keeping a tradition alive! Cheers!
When I was growing up, and through a good part of ... (show quote)


:thumbup:

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Oct 13, 2015 08:30:49   #
swimbob Loc: Columbia, S.C.
 
I love telling jokes too but I'm afraid I'm not as good as some at it either. I have a young friend (in his late 20s) that I trade jokes with often and the ones I tell him I usually find here. Here is one he told me and I shared it on here a while back but as I said above I'm not that good at telling a joke and it didn't get many good reviews.

Two old trees are standing in the forest. The thing about trees is you either like your neighbor or you don’t. If you don’t like your neighbor you’re in for a miserable existence because it’s not like you can get up and move to somewhere else. As it happens though these two trees were fast friends and had grown up together and were over 100 years old. However, even the best of friends have their disagreements.
Such was the case with these two trees because one day they noticed there was a young sapling growing up between them and they started arguing over which of them was the father.
Mr. Beech said it must be a son of a beech and Mr. Birch said it must be a son of a birch! Neither could tell which though because they were both so tall they couldn’t see all the way down to where the young tree was growing.
They argued daily over this until one day a woodpecker came and landed on a branch of Mr. Beech.
“Excuse me, Mr. Woodpecker,” said Mr. Beech. “My good friend Mr. Birch and I have been arguing for the longest time as to which of us may be the father of that young sapling between us. I say it must be a son of a Beech while my esteemed colleague says it can only be a son of a birch. Could you please fly down and take a look so we can settle our argument?”
The woodpecker said he would be happy to help them out and flew down to the young sapling below.
We all know that trees are very patient beings but the woodpecker was gone for a couple of hours and even a tree knew that something like this shouldn’t take a very long time.
It was getting late when the woodpecker finally flew back up to tell them what he had found out.
“So Mr. Woodpecker,” asked Mr. Birch, “which of us is the young tree a descendent of?”
Mr. Woodpecker sighed and said, “I’m sorry, but you are both wrong. It is neither a son of a birch nor a son of a beech.”
Both of the old trees were astonished. “Then what could it be?” they both asked.
“That, my friends,” said Mr. Woodpecker, “is the finest piece of ash I’ve ever had my pecker in.”

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Oct 13, 2015 08:31:53   #
PRETENDER Loc: Micanopy,Florida
 
Two things I look forward to when I get up. My morning coffee and UHH chit chat jokes. Thanks all.

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Oct 13, 2015 08:32:44   #
nikon_jon Loc: Northeast Arkansas
 
These days people have become super sensitive to the smallest thing. Not sure of the cause for this, but here is a saying I once read and I give it some credence.

Avoid people with no sense of humor. They have a bad head or a bad heart.......or both.

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Oct 13, 2015 08:33:52   #
ken hubert Loc: Missouri
 
swimbob wrote:
I love telling jokes too but I'm afraid I'm not as good as some at it either. I have a young friend (in his late 20s) that I trade jokes with often and the ones I tell him I usually find here. Here is one he told me and I shared it on here a while back but as I said above I'm not that good at telling a joke and it didn't get many good reviews.

Two old trees are standing in the forest. The thing about trees is you either like your neighbor or you don’t. If you don’t like your neighbor you’re in for a miserable existence because it’s not like you can get up and move to somewhere else. As it happens though these two trees were fast friends and had grown up together and were over 100 years old. However, even the best of friends have their disagreements.
Such was the case with these two trees because one day they noticed there was a young sapling growing up between them and they started arguing over which of them was the father.
Mr. Beech said it must be a son of a beech and Mr. Birch said it must be a son of a birch! Neither could tell which though because they were both so tall they couldn’t see all the way down to where the young tree was growing.
They argued daily over this until one day a woodpecker came and landed on a branch of Mr. Beech.
“Excuse me, Mr. Woodpecker,” said Mr. Beech. “My good friend Mr. Birch and I have been arguing for the longest time as to which of us may be the father of that young sapling between us. I say it must be a son of a Beech while my esteemed colleague says it can only be a son of a birch. Could you please fly down and take a look so we can settle our argument?”
The woodpecker said he would be happy to help them out and flew down to the young sapling below.
We all know that trees are very patient beings but the woodpecker was gone for a couple of hours and even a tree knew that something like this shouldn’t take a very long time.
It was getting late when the woodpecker finally flew back up to tell them what he had found out.
“So Mr. Woodpecker,” asked Mr. Birch, “which of us is the young tree a descendent of?”
Mr. Woodpecker sighed and said, “I’m sorry, but you are both wrong. It is neither a son of a birch nor a son of a beech.”
Both of the old trees were astonished. “Then what could it be?” they both asked.
“That, my friends,” said Mr. Woodpecker, “is the finest piece of ash I’ve ever had my pecker in.”
I love telling jokes too but I'm afraid I'm not as... (show quote)


Good one!

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Oct 13, 2015 09:48:40   #
PRETENDER Loc: Micanopy,Florida
 
Right on nikon jon

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Oct 13, 2015 09:52:04   #
Quixdraw Loc: x
 
Swimbob -- a definite pass along. Thanks!

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Oct 13, 2015 10:16:04   #
Indi Loc: L. I., NY, Palm Beach Cty when it's cold.
 
romanticf16 wrote:
I agree. Something else that has gone overboard is "political correctness". What is wrong with offending every body a little bit, as long as it isn't too mean or hurtful? And if people of a certain belief don't like it they can always go back to the land they came from, rather than bombing us for our freedom of expression.


Didn't Don Rickles do that? He insulted all peoples...pretty much equally.
It's good to laugh!
:thumbup:

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Oct 13, 2015 10:18:43   #
waywest Loc: las vegas
 
good one fred. i think humor is important for overall well being. something muslims need to look into.

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Oct 13, 2015 10:27:35   #
Wrangler Loc: North Texas
 
A flying visited the earth. Their main goal was to make contact with an earth person. The problem is they came down in a western desert. After flying around for some time. They finally saw a gas station. One alien yelled "pull over". Since it was about 3:00 AM, the gas station was closed but they didn't realize that. The leader said, "you guys stay here. We don't want to scare them away." He departed the craft and walked up to a gas pump, raised his hand in a friendly manner and said,"Hi!" The gas pump of course does not reply. The alien tries again and again with no success. He rather angrily re enters his flying saucer where the rest of the rush up and eagerly ask,"what did he say. " To wit he replies in a disgusted tone,"He didn't say anything. He just stood there with his pecker in his ear."

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Oct 13, 2015 11:09:54   #
Cynorman
 
My kind of people. Thank's

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Oct 13, 2015 11:20:34   #
tbetress Loc: Skippack, Pa
 
I agree. My dad was a master at it and it really lightened up the day and passed the time more quickly.
I do a pretty good job myself and my co-workers are always commenting that it passes the day quicker.
Society needs a 'reboot'

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Oct 13, 2015 11:24:00   #
Bobbee
 
Barak Obama meets with the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent? "

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send
Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother
and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question.

"Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asks Powell, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

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Oct 13, 2015 11:25:26   #
FRENCHY Loc: Stone Mountain , Ga
 
quixdraw wrote:
When I was growing up, and through a good part of my business career, joke telling was an appreciated and valued skill. My Dad was quite a master. I can recall dinner guests laughing so hard that they couldn't take a breath. Though I never had his skill, I have always enjoyed jokes and telling jokes. All of a sudden the universe changed, and we began to become "the nation of the eternally offended" with sensitivity to virtually everything. I was standing with some work friends at a business meeting reception, all of us with drink in hand, telling jokes. An individual walked over to the corner where we were standing and joined the group, then announced that our jokes were offensive, but made no move to leave. We were amazed. Sure enough, pretty soon there were darn few jokes told at business affairs, and then, only among close friends in private.
I was delighted to find a steady flow of jokes on this site -- I suppose it is member age and demographics, but it is a most enjoyable flashback to freer days. I told one of my joke telling business buddies (who hasn't retired yet) that I had hit the Mother Lode and have been sending him a selection of the best jokes harvested from the Hedgehog every week. Many thanks to you who post them -- I suspect I am not the only one who passes them on. You have a broader audience than you know and are keeping a tradition alive! Cheers!
When I was growing up, and through a good part of ... (show quote)


You nail it on the head Thanks.

I was told once or twice , that "this" joke was not funny by two regular here .Since then I loose sleep over it :lol: :lol: :lol:

========================================

A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 70 years, the reporter goes up to him and says, “hello I’m a reporter for the BBC and we know you’re quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions.” The man agrees and she asks, “so we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?”

The man replies, “I have been praying for peace between the Jews and Arabs and for all world hatred and terrorism to stop, and for my children and grandchildren to grown up in a peaceful world.”

The news reporter says, “Wow that’s truly beautiful, how do you feel after doing this for 70 years?”

The man replies, “I feel like I’ve been talking to a F...G) brick wall.”

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