wjones8637 Loc: Burleson, TX

I "borrowed" this group of explanations/definitions of tool from a friend on Facebook.

Enjoy and feel free to add your own.

Bill

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'AAAHHH!'

DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

YOU PIECE OF CRAP TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'You piece of Crap!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Longshadow Loc: Audubon, PA, United States

BarviDaley01

Every part of my body is reminded by your explanations.. Thankyou ..
Which reminds me I have a blood blister to pop !!

RichKenn Loc: Merritt Island, FL

Been there!!!

chasgroh Loc: Buena Park, CA

Yah, I've pretty much experienced all of these conditions. All my tools have tasted my blood. Mmmmmmmm

TriX Loc: Raleigh, NC

Stationary Belt sander: a tool useful for removing your fingerprints along with the tips of your fingers when you are stupid enough to hold a flat object against belt with your hand and the object suddenly “disappears” (been there, done that - once).

Jointer: a tool useful for removing the entire end of your finger or thumb when you do the above (neighbor did that - once)

kpmac Loc: Ragley, La

That's funny.

Valsmere Loc: New Jersey

So so true, been here done it all

quagmire Loc: Greenwood,South Carolina

I have heard that planers get more fingers than table saws

TriX Loc: Raleigh, NC

Probably. I have a sign in my woodshop that says: “where will your hands go if the work suddenly disappears?” When I am edge jointing, I help my fingers hooked over the fence, and when face jointing, I always use push blocks, and even then, I swap pushers/hands as the work progresses so that I never have one directly over the cutterhead. My neighbor came across the street with his hand wrapped in a bloody towel after he took the end of his thumb off on a jointer and asked me to take him to the hospital. I have never forgotten that lesson.

Terkat

Good morning W,

I recognize them all. I love the fact that we are all simply human. All the best to you and yours and stay safe during these interesting times (that means safe in your workshop too!).

Terry

Red6

I have always admired the work of woodworkers and have been tempted to take it up as a hobby. However, almost every woodworker I have known seemed to develop some impressive scars or lose parts of their hands soon after taking it up.

Maybe pottery making would be safer.

Bunko.T Loc: Western Australia.

An 18inch Cresent is a big shining spanner. I reckon they're only good for knocking in Star pickets in the fencing game.

Flat screw drivers are also great for tattooing dirt under your skin, which is still visible years later.

I learnt to never pull springs with pliers, towards you. Invariably it will slip off resulting in you wearing a pliers shaped bruise on your face. Very painful.

Julian Loc: Sarasota, FL

Forgot to mention the link to all of the disastrous tales of tool misuse: Man!

jaymatt Loc: Alexandria, Indiana

All your definitions signify user error.