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More Bar stories.........Graham
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Jul 30, 2019 14:58:32   #
Graham Thirkill Loc: Idylic North Yorkshire, England UK.
 
How to Pull a Fast One
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents,” and runs out the door.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Selective Service
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Catch of the Day
A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A True Performer
A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Come Again?
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A Good Pun for Grammar Nerds
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Old West Jokes Are Just Funnier Somehow
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip. He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Meta
A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Cheers and Beers
Graham
098

Reply
Jul 30, 2019 15:06:31   #
ClarkG Loc: Southern Indiana USA
 
Hahaha! I love them!

Reply
Jul 30, 2019 15:34:52   #
RichinSeattle
 
Graham, you're always good for several LOL belly laughs. Keep 'em comin'.

Reply
 
 
Jul 31, 2019 05:35:19   #
catchlight.. Loc: Wisconsin USA- Halden Norway
 
This guy walks into a bar with a chicken and sets him on the bar stool next to him.

The bartender turns, looks at the man and then the chicken and say's " we don't serve pigs here".

The man says "this is not a pig... this is a chicken".

The bartender say to the man " I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the chicken".

Reply
Jul 31, 2019 08:06:48   #
Jazztrader
 
Yikes, when does he run out of these?

Reply
Jul 31, 2019 08:18:39   #
jaymatt Loc: Alexandria, Indiana
 

Reply
Jul 31, 2019 10:01:15   #
Scruples Loc: Brooklyn, New York
 
Graham Thirkill wrote:
How to Pull a Fast One
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents,” and runs out the door.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Selective Service
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Catch of the Day
A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A True Performer
A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Come Again?
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A Good Pun for Grammar Nerds
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Old West Jokes Are Just Funnier Somehow
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip. He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Meta
A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Cheers and Beers
Graham
098
How to Pull a Fast One br A guy walks into a bar a... (show quote)


I always love your jokes.
Thank you from
BRUUUUWKLIN, NEW JIORK!

(Brooklyn, New York)

Reply
 
 
Jul 31, 2019 12:50:22   #
Bullittjon Loc: Minnesota
 
Love them, thanks!

Reply
Jul 31, 2019 13:05:25   #
raymondh Loc: Walker, MI
 

Reply
Jul 31, 2019 16:41:25   #
Big Bry Loc: South Yorkshire UK
 
Hi Graham - have you heard this one ?

A cowboy rides into a Wild West town for the first time. Being parched from the journey he walks into the empty saloon and orders a beer from the bar-tender. Making conversation he asks why the bar is so deserted.

The bar-tender says that the locals are all gathered for the lynching of the `Brown Paper Kid`. When asked about the man's name the bar-tender says its because he always wears a brown paper stetson, shirt, waistcoat, trousers, chaps, and boots. When asked what crime he has supposedly committed the bar-tender replies - `` Rustling ``

Reply
Jul 31, 2019 17:21:56   #
FRENCHY Loc: Stone Mountain , Ga
 
Graham Thirkill wrote:
How to Pull a Fast One
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents,” and runs out the door.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Selective Service
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Catch of the Day
A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A True Performer
A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Come Again?
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A Good Pun for Grammar Nerds
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Old West Jokes Are Just Funnier Somehow
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip. He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Meta
A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Cheers and Beers
Graham
098
How to Pull a Fast One br A guy walks into a bar a... (show quote)


Thanks, Graham Excellent as usual

Reply
 
 
Jul 31, 2019 21:08:01   #
Stan Gould Loc: La Crosse, Wisconsin
 
[quote=Graham Thirkill] More Bar stories...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Two Irishmen were sitting in a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland. ...'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?'
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I'!
'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?'
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town. ...'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I.... Tell me, what year did you graduate'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

*****

A string walks into a bar. The bartended says "We don't serve strings here." The string responded that he wasn't really a string. The bartender says "Yes you are?" "No, I'm a frayed knot" he replied.

*****
One more... It was near closing time and a man walked into a bar. The man said that he didn't have any money, but that he would *fart a tune* for a free drink. The bartended is bored, so he thinks why not? He gives the man his drink.

The bartender said, "I lived up to my end of the bargain, it's your turn." The man jumps up and stands on the bar, drops his drawers and takes a dump. The bartender, clearly unhappy, "screams why did you crap all over my bar"? The man replies, "Even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat."

Reply
Aug 1, 2019 00:39:05   #
DavidPhares Loc: Chandler, Arizona
 
Paddy worked at the brewery. One day while mixing the malt, Paddy fell in and drown.

The owners called the local priest to go and tell his wife, Mary, about Paddy’s demise.

The priest knocks on Mary’s door informs her that her husband of 40 yours has died, that he fell into a vat of beer and drown.

“Oh no, father! Do you think he suffered?” Asked Mary.

The priest responded, “I don’t think so, Mary, he got out to pee three times!”

Reply
Aug 1, 2019 06:05:14   #
swimbob Loc: Columbia, S.C.
 
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bring me a beer and a mop."

Reply
Aug 1, 2019 08:22:57   #
raymondh Loc: Walker, MI
 
😅

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