Understanding Engineers
Apr 25, 2019 11:44:49 #
Understanding Engineers #1:
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2:
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3:
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4:
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5:
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”
Understanding Engineers #6:
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7:
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
And finally:
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2:
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3:
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4:
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5:
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”
Understanding Engineers #6:
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7:
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
And finally:
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.
Apr 25, 2019 11:47:54 #
Apr 25, 2019 11:58:31 #
Three engineers were discussing what kind of engineer God is.
One said God is an electrical engineer because of the complexity of the brain.
One said God is a mechanical engineer because of the beauty of the human skeleton.
the third said neither of you knows anything, God obviously is a Civil Engineer because who else would put a waste disposal system in the middle of a major recreational area?
One said God is an electrical engineer because of the complexity of the brain.
One said God is a mechanical engineer because of the beauty of the human skeleton.
the third said neither of you knows anything, God obviously is a Civil Engineer because who else would put a waste disposal system in the middle of a major recreational area?
Apr 25, 2019 11:59:31 #
SDigger wrote:
Three engineers were discussing what kind of engineer God is.
One said God is an electrical engineer because of the complexity of the brain.
One said God is a mechanical engineer because of the beauty of the human skeleton.
the third said neither of you knows anything, God obviously is a Civil Engineer because who else would put a waste disposal system in the middle of a major recreational area?
One said God is an electrical engineer because of the complexity of the brain.
One said God is a mechanical engineer because of the beauty of the human skeleton.
the third said neither of you knows anything, God obviously is a Civil Engineer because who else would put a waste disposal system in the middle of a major recreational area?
Apr 25, 2019 13:34:03 #
Apr 25, 2019 19:43:47 #
There was a collage student a engineer and and the pilot on a small plane. The engine caught fire and the plane was going down fast. There where only two parachutes. The engineer grabbed one and jumped out. The pilot said what are going to do now? The student said don't worry, the engineer just jumped out with my knapsack.
Apr 25, 2019 22:58:49 #
John_F wrote:
Understanding Engineers #1: br br Two engineering... (show quote)
HVAC Enginering is just a load of hot air.
All you need to know about Plumbing Engineering is that $hit flows downhill
Apr 26, 2019 05:35:30 #
We have a saying in the construction industry.
When we screw up it's a screw up, when engineers screw up it's a revision..
I've seen my share of revisions.
When we screw up it's a screw up, when engineers screw up it's a revision..
I've seen my share of revisions.
Apr 26, 2019 06:43:40 #
Ouch, Understanding Engineers #5 “ ...Do you want fries with that” , brutal but made me laugh out loud. I was an Arts major who luckily decided to minor in accounting.
Apr 26, 2019 09:00:09 #
Apr 26, 2019 09:23:27 #
Thanks for my morning chuckle 
I vaguely recall a professor giving us a "welcome to civil engineering" talk on day one of classes (way back in 1980 ... gee, now I suddenly feel really old
) and noting two key principles to always remember:
1. Water (and other stuff) flows downhill (unless there is a pump involved)
2. You can't push a rope
I ended up in traffic engineering so neither of these principles has been of much use in my 35 years in the business!
I vaguely recall a professor giving us a "welcome to civil engineering" talk on day one of classes (way back in 1980 ... gee, now I suddenly feel really old
) and noting two key principles to always remember: 1. Water (and other stuff) flows downhill (unless there is a pump involved)
2. You can't push a rope
I ended up in traffic engineering so neither of these principles has been of much use in my 35 years in the business!
Apr 26, 2019 09:33:45 #
Difference between an introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer? Extroverted engineer looks at your shoes when he talks to you.
Apr 26, 2019 09:43:57 #
Apr 26, 2019 10:19:17 #
Engineering is the economic application of science. One of my favorite sayings is: An engineer can do for a do for a dollar what any damned fool can do for a hundred.
Apr 26, 2019 10:38:45 #
An engineer and a mathematician were applying for a job. The interviewer said that they would have to answer a couple questions.
1. You are walking along a street and you come upon a house on fire. There is a hydrant and nearby a fire hose. What do you do:
Engineer: I would connect the hose to the hydrant and put out the fire.
Mathematician: I would connect the hose to the hydrant and put out the fire.
2. You are walking along a street and you pass a house. In front of the house there is a fire hydrant with a hose attached. What do you do?
Engineer: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
Mathematician: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, thereby reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
1. You are walking along a street and you come upon a house on fire. There is a hydrant and nearby a fire hose. What do you do:
Engineer: I would connect the hose to the hydrant and put out the fire.
Mathematician: I would connect the hose to the hydrant and put out the fire.
2. You are walking along a street and you pass a house. In front of the house there is a fire hydrant with a hose attached. What do you do?
Engineer: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
Mathematician: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, thereby reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
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