Huey Driver Loc: Texas

The electric fence and the lawn mower

The Electric fence and The Lawn Mower

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

PH CIB

You had better go back to Nam,,,it was less Dangerous !!! Excellent Writing Skills !!!

trainspotter Loc: Oregon

Excellent story...I've spent a few hours in the ER myself due to touching the wrong wire (110). I don't know why that stuff won't let you go. God Bless you sir.

ecobin Loc: Paoli, PA

OMG what a story! You could do stand-up at the local club! Glad you're okay.

rbmartiniv Loc: Nacogdoches, TX

I peed on one once when I was a kid. Really got my attention.

rmalarz Loc: Tempe, Arizona

Barry, although this is a tragic situation that could have had dire consequences, I couldn't help but laugh to the point I had to put my coffee cup down. I'm glad you made it through that without permanent damage. Now, the big question, did you just throw out the clothes you were wearing and just replace them? Or, did you actually clean them up?

davidrb Loc: Half way there on the 45th Parallel

Been there, done that! I hit the wire 2 times more than the dog did. He, at least learned a lesson. I did not realize AC house-power could bite that hard!

Barn Owl

Will Rogers had some advice in dealing with electric fences. "There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."

Bultaco Loc: Aiken, SC

Very well written and FUNNY. Thanks

robertjerl Loc: Corona, California

My lawyer will contact you about the law suit over my new hernias I got laughing. I also think several of my tear ducts burned out and will no longer function.

The military wasted you flying choppers. You should have designed perimeter fences.

quagmire Loc: Greenwood,South Carolina

I was riding my little sister in a go cart and got bogged down in high grass , being tall, I stood up to push us out and the spark plug came in contact

with my b---hole.

bedouin Loc: Big Bend area, Texas

I enjoyed the story as well.
But am surprised some Leftist has not remarked that your fence constituted excessive use of force.And that burglers are people too. They were just harshly toilet trained. :-)))

Huey Driver Loc: Texas

Sorry. This was a story passed on to me. No idea if it was true but did find it fun to read while thinking of my encounter with an electric fence years ago.

TJBNovember Loc: Long Island, New York

Being a bit of an amateur electrician and being stubborn enough occasionally to work on a live circuit, that is a good one.

ottopj Loc: Annapolis, MD USA

This qualifies for the Darwin Award.