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Marriage Jokes, this could be controversial........Don't blame me......Graham
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Feb 24, 2018 15:51:54   #
Graham Thirkill Loc: Idylic North Yorkshire, England UK.
 
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Husband, Iv'e sh*t the bed !!!!!!!!! If you haven't laughed at this I quit my job, I'm wasting my time....
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My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
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I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.
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My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
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My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of the house.
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My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.

I brought home diet pills for her. Apparently very much not what she meant.
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What to give a man who’s got everything? A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.
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I think as marriages go, we’re doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

Nearly on Monday
Nearly on Tuesday
Nearly on Wednesday
Nearly on Thursday
Nearly on Friday
Nearly on Saturday
Nearly on Sunday
-----------------------------------
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.
-
But she figured out I was only after my money.
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A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"
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Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
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“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”

“Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”
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Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: "Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?"

Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."

“What? Why?”

"It’s all over the Bible, dearest."

"The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!"

The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."
----------------------------

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.

He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.
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A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”

His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”

The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”
--------------------------------

An elderly couple talk in the evening:

“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”

“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”

“And that helps?”

“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”
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Honey, do you think I gained weight?
-
No, I think the living room got smaller.
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Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?
-
A trip to Thailand?
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Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?
-
Then I pick you up again.
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I got really angry with my sat nav today. I even yelled at it to go to hell. 20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.
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A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.“
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A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share the same blood group?”

The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s been sucking my blood for years.”
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What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
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I got lost!
-
Where are you?
-
In the car.

Dear audience, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my wife!
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Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?

Because there’s a wedding going on.

But isn’t the horn a warning signal, Mommy?

Exactly, son.
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My husband and I had very happy twenty years. After that we met
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“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”

“But honey, what about our child?”

“What child?!”

“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”
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Wife to husband: “Honey, guess who’s not wearing any panties and bra today?”

Husband, “Ah, that’s why your face looks so stretched today!”
--------------------------------

Childhood is when you go to the toilet in the night and then you run back and jump in your bed, glad that the monster under the bed didn’t get you.

Adulthood is when the monster lies in the bed next to you.
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At a medical check-up:

Do you do dangerous sports?

Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.
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Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet.
In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.
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I’ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels. I once had a stone stuck in my shoe for 10 hours.
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My wife is so fat, when she changes hands with her shopping basket she has to throw it to the other hand
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If any ladies have read through this lot, I want you to know I don't agree with all the slanderous ones against
the fairer sex, and that's the honest truth...........well maybe sort of the truth-ish truth, some of it anyhow.....(;-))

Cheers and Beers
Graham
098

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Feb 24, 2018 15:59:12   #
dancers Loc: melbourne.victoria, australia
 
and after 63 years of married life , I can laugh at these!!!!

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Feb 24, 2018 16:25:40   #
Graham Thirkill Loc: Idylic North Yorkshire, England UK.
 
dancers wrote:
and after 63 years of married life , I can laugh at these!!!!


That's why we are still here my friend, I'm sure we can relate a little, to some of them.......
As you are a regular, for my punishment, I do thank you and I hope you are having a great relaxing week-end.

Cheers and Beers
Graham
098

Reply
 
 
Feb 24, 2018 16:28:03   #
dancers Loc: melbourne.victoria, australia
 
Graham Thirkill wrote:
That's why we are still here my friend, I'm sure we can relate a little, to some of them.......
As you are a regular, for my punishment, I do thank you and I hope you are having a great relaxing week-end.

Cheers and Beers
Graham
098


You too. I just read that the young actress who was the loopy pal of The Vicar of Dibly, has died.aged 53. I AM sad.

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Feb 24, 2018 17:19:19   #
Graham Thirkill Loc: Idylic North Yorkshire, England UK.
 
dancers wrote:
You too. I just read that the young actress who was the loopy pal of The Vicar of Dibly, has died.aged 53. I AM sad.
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So very sad

Graham



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Feb 25, 2018 08:30:17   #
raymondh Loc: Walker, MI
 

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Feb 25, 2018 09:19:44   #
Ava'sPapa Loc: Cheshire, Ct.
 
You're a trip Graham. I always look forward to your contributions. A great way to start the day. Keep 'em coming. After all this time I just noticed you're from the UK. Now I hear these jokes as if they were being told to me by Ricky Gervais.

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Feb 25, 2018 09:33:33   #
jaymatt Loc: Alexandria, Indiana
 

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Feb 25, 2018 10:08:14   #
PRETENDER Loc: Micanopy,Florida
 
I think the administrators should give the idea of a Graham section so we can go there first to get the day started right. How do you cover up the bruises after your significant one reads your jokes?

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Feb 25, 2018 11:11:51   #
NJphotodoc Loc: Now in the First State
 
Graham - I shared this with my wife. She hit me. Then she had me take out the dogs, make her breakfast (muffin and pot of PG Tips which is NOT easy to find in the US) and then do the laundry after first sorting the lights, darks, delicates (all hers) and heavy duty.
That pretty much tells it all

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Feb 25, 2018 11:13:03   #
jaycoffman Loc: San Diego
 
A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”

His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”

The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

For the girl things will only go downhill from here which is why it's the best day for her--for the man things will only go up for him so this is his worst day... Just sayin'...

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Feb 25, 2018 12:35:12   #
Graham Thirkill Loc: Idylic North Yorkshire, England UK.
 
NJphotodoc wrote:
Graham - I shared this with my wife. She hit me. Then she had me take out the dogs, make her breakfast (muffin and pot of PG Tips which is NOT easy to find in the US) and then do the laundry after first sorting the lights, darks, delicates (all hers) and heavy duty.
That pretty much tells it all


Well I'm just a perfect husband....................................................................(;-)).. Me'Lord!!!!

Cheers and Beers
Graham
098

Reply
Feb 25, 2018 12:50:50   #
Quaking Aspen Loc: Cottage Grove, OR
 
Do you know how to make your wife holler while you're having sex?
...........

You call her up and tell her where you are.

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Feb 25, 2018 13:01:38   #
NJphotodoc Loc: Now in the First State
 
I tried that once. When I was dialing the house, she called me first. Told me the same thing, then hung up

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Feb 25, 2018 19:17:16   #
PAR4DCR Loc: A Sunny Place
 
So I see there are many married male members of UHH!!!

Dom

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